Here I am. Tears rolling down my face as I sit in this ridiculously huge office chair. I’m stuck on this emotional rollercoaster and I want off sooo bad. Most of the time I try to write off my feelings by telling myself I just had a bad day at work, I’m overstressed, or my birth control is making me a hormonal mess. I overthink and worry about everything. It is who I am. Is the overthinking the reason why I don’t feel enough? I’m in a relationship that I want to keep forever but I can’t get my boyfriend to speak of anything that involves the “F word” Feelings. He either turns it into a joke or completely ignores it. This lack of communication has me sitting here like, is it me? Have I done something? Maybe if I was a tall skinny blonde with amazing boobs, maybe then he wouldn’t have any issues telling me how he feels. This is all my insecurities, I know this. I just would like a little feedback so I can quite them. These insecurities stem from being a nosey girlfriend and going thru his phone a long time ago. He mentioned that I wasn’t his type since I’m a bigger girl but I was cool and his kids liked me but I was nothing like this one girl he was trying to get in his bed. It hurt my feelings. He just said oh that was just guy talk. And that I was being JEALOUS. That day I learned that I shouldn’t go thru my man’s phone unless I’m looking to get my feelings hurt. We talked about it, moved on. Things are great in our relationship. He’s my best friend. But every time I tell him I love him, or every time I lay in the bed with something sexy on wanting him to ravish me and he just falls asleep, I just think about those messages and beat myself up about not being this skinny hot girlfriend that he wants. I want him to tell me I’m beautiful and he loves me. But if he said those things would he be lying to me? I guess this is why they say you should fall in love with yourself in order for someone to be able to fall in love with you. I don’t love myself. I mean I have good days where I feel like I can take on the entire world. But most days I just want to lay in bed and have a pity party for one. Geez the more I type the more I feel like a whiney bitch. When did I become so dependent on the feedback of a man? That is so not me. I don’t know what to do but shut down…. Am I losing my shit? Is this all in my head?
Until I figure this shit out,
Stay classy, Assholes. ❤