I can’t drown my demons they know how to swim

I keep having this reoccurring dream lately.

There’s a man. His face is blurred. The entire dream I am stuck in all these different scenarios where I have to fight my way to get away from him. They feel so real.

These dreams leave me feeling like i ran a marathon all night long. I know exactly who this man is. He’s the man that took away every ounce of feeling safe. His face is blurred because that’s all I saw of him. I was conscious enough to know what was going on but too weak to make out a clear face. He’s the reason I leave the light on when I sleep alone. He’s the reason I feel so worthless.

This was years ago. Why are you haunting me now? Fuck can’t I just have some peace. But I guess You’ll never have peace if you just run away from your problems.

Ugh.

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Senseless.

I’ve been too worried about how I thought life would be that I’m missing the beauty of what life is right now. I’m so fucking stuck on the fact that I’m not worthy of the white picket fence life I wanted. Stuck on that one conversation with my grandfather he told me that having a illegitimate child means that I’m forever labeled a worthless dirty women. That no man would ever love me, marry me and give me a family. I spent so much of my life trying to prove him wrong that I have absolutely proved him right. Fuck. It’s time to live my own life and take control of my own happiness. I need to stop this whole weird daddy issues, needing male approval nonsense. I also need a fucking nap.

You’re being too sensitive..

I have a really hard time telling the difference between if you’re being a huge asshole or if I’m just being a overly emotional sensitive bitch.

It drives me crazy because my first instinct is to react but I always find myself pulling back and trying to analyze before I blurt out something I’ll regret later.

What the fuck is wrong with me lately.

Who is this person in the mirror?

I’ve never wanted to run and hide so bad in my life.

The devil went down to Georgia.

Before my feet even hit the floor in the morning I feel like my mind has already ran a 10k.

It’s all so negative.

Just pouring out of me like a shaken can of soda.

You’re a failure.

Your job is killing you. You work your ass off for no appreciation and not enough money. You’re wasting that degree you will be in debt with for the rest of your life.

The house is gross cause you’re too lazy to do anything about it. No one helps because they don’t care, so why do you?

Your boyfriend hasn’t had sex with you in a month. Because he is no longer attracted to you. He doesn’t love you either.Maybe if you weren’t so gross he’d want you.

Why do you need sex to validate yourself? You really need to stop.

Your ovaries are angry your fat so you wouldn’t be able to have a baby even if you wanted one.

You should probably just stay in bed today and cry about all of this and when someone asks what’s wrong just tell them nothing. They don’t want to hear you whine and complain.

Getting ahead of depression.

I don’t want to be medicated. I want to be embraced and heard. My insecurities are getting the best of me and it’s starting to paint a ugly red picture all over my life. Writing has always helped me express the worst of my bottled up feelings. I’d really like to get in a habit of waking up in the mornings and writing down everything I feel. Good or bad I need to let it out before it eats me alive. Please follow, cheer, cry and support me on this journey. I just want my sunshine back.

ain’t no holla back girl

Having someone look you in the face and tell you a straight up lie hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. It says hey I don’t respect you enough to give you the truth you deserve. Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut and let it eat me up from the inside. It’s their life they are hiding. It’s not my job to be their caller of bullshit.  I don’t care how long it’s been. It still stabs me to remind me from time to time. But let’s get real, no one is 100% honest. We tell little white lies. We say we’re ok when really we’re falling apart. When you’re truth comes out via someone’s elses mouth, that’s the worst. I understand females feel the need to help each other out but sometimes I wish you would just leave me here ignorant and blissful. This world is dirty and sleezy and I’m just trying to get my bubbleness and sunshine back. I’m trying to not let everyone’s self decisions bring me down. They will chose something over you everytime but I have the control to chose myself. Everytime. I want to turn your hatefulness to love. Kill you with kindness. Just got to brush the tears out of my eyes, the dirty off my knees and keep my head up. I want to live. Really live. But let me cry myself to sleep one more time, I’ll pick it up in the morning.

ive got this, right?

Stay classy fuckers ❤

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas….

I’m tired of the everyday routine. I want to be thrown out of it. I want to feel bliss and beauty. I want to be ravished and appreciated. Even just for a moment. I want love and complete trust. I’m sick of assuming that everything out of anyone’s mouth is BS. But more often than not they prove it’s nothing BUT. I’m sick of expectation being the reason for heartache. I’m even sicker at the thought that I would continue to expect anything but the worst.  All I want for Christmas is to feel a moment of happiness. But it would be more realistic to ask for that hippo.

Merry Christmas Assholes, Stay Classy.

Idiots guide to being a hotmess.

It’s been a hot minute. What a shame. Let’s play a little catch up.

I’m still tired. God am I tired. My list of TO DO’s is slowly growing longer and my energy to take care of it all has been depleted. I need like a month off from adulting.

I tried to walk away from the man that I loved because he wasn’t willing to commit. He wouldn’t let me. He has locked me in his house, forced me to be his girlfriend and makes it mandatory that I sleep in his bed. He also forces grilled meat and jalapeno Cheetos on me.

Downside. I feel like me trying to leave has forced him into commitment and it’s not really what he wants but he doesn’t want to lose me. Hopefully we can grow and this won’t cause us to fail in the future. All I can do is have faith and try right? I really want this to work, nothing has ever worked. I want to love and feel loved. I want a somewhat functional family to fill up all the seats at the dinner table. I want this. I want him. He’s my best friend, my person, my love. Fingers crossed.

As I age my irresponsible drinking stories don’t come as often. But you’re in luck today. The mamas decided to go out for a drink and catch up. Who knew it would become such a hotmess.

A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me to come meet her for a quick drink on a Monday night. She is a new mom and needed a break. We use to be big drinking buddies in the past. We drank like fish, ALL the time. These days, I can get wasted off 2 glasses of wine. So cut to I meet her at Bar 1 at 7:30pm. The game plan was to chat over a drink and an appetizer. Neither one of us had ate all day and we’re starving. Two sips into my high alcohol content fancy dark beer, this bitch looks and me and says “Chug that shit we’re going bar hopping.” So as a responsible adult….I do as I am told. Hop in the car with her and on to Bar 2. Bar 2, drink special: $3 mimosas. This is trouble. Order a drink, chug it, pay, onto the next place. Bar 3 is a Mexican restaurant that closes at 9. It is currently 8:45. In the 15 minutes of sitting at the bar, my friend has Spanglish shit talked the bartender about his weak pouring skills, making our $3 margaritas super strong. We order 4 drinks a piece because we’re getting cut off. The last drink has now become a To Go drink thanks to the plastic cups behind the bar. All garnished with a lime and a cherry. Get to the car, my friend vomits. Into her TO GO cup. Hops in the car and takes me back to mine. I am now on the mission for food. You know, what I should have eaten hours ago to prevent this intoxication. Keep in mind it is now only 9:00 pm. How did I get wasted this fast? I drunk call the sushi place down the street and order a spicy tuna roll and a bowl of miso soup. I’ll shove it in my face on the ride home. Pick up the food, not sure if I have even paid but at least I walked out with 30 chopsticks. On the ride home I try to drink my soup. Key word. TRY. Keep in mind that I drive a low rider car that makes a small bump in the road feel like you just drove over an entire mountain. Called King daddy to let him know that if I’m not home in 15 minutes then I’m dead and make him aware of my soup drinking struggle. “It keeps fighting back, but I will prevail.” I flung hot soup all over myself and the entire car for the whole ride home. Why did I not just put the damn soup down? No clue. I was going to finish that bowl of soup one way or another. It’s been 17 minutes, King daddy calls. In distress I let him know that I’m coming down the drive way, covered in soup. Park the car, and my door opens. It’s king daddy with his phone flash light on. How sweet of him to open the door and bring a light to help me in the house right? WRONG. He was recording me falling out of my car, with soup soaking every inch of my shirt, pants and seat. I go inside, strip all my soupy clothes off. (BTW I couldn’t find those clothes for a week) and sit on the bed and proceed to force feed myself and King daddy sushi. I’m a boss with these chopsticks. He can’t stop laughing. I try to crawl on top of him and I’m immediately hit with the spinney world syndrome. I fall asleep to “You left here at 730, you were home by 930, How in the hell did you get this drunk?” See what had happen wassss….

I’m a hotmess. It’s what you love about me the most.

FYI I’ll try to do better with keeping up with my blog. Writing keeps me sane. Even if it is about nothing and everything.

 

Missed you guys, Stay classy Assholes!