Quit playing games with my heart….

Yes, I just named this post after a 90’s boy band song. It fits. I think my love life is the most hilarious aspect of my life. I have encountered some of the most interesting people, learned some life lessons, and gotten my heart smashed in a billion of pieces.

I started off my love life being young and dumb. It’s a good excuse, don’t care what anyone says. But what happens when inexperience meets stupidity? Babies. babies happen. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter to death, but I have nothing for her father but constant disappointment. I swear they should just put us two in a classroom and let students study our interactions. I bet the rate of young, unplanned pregnancies would dramatically decrease. Yes, it’s that much of a train wreck. So listen up kids, all that shit your parents talked about taking your time with people and actually falling in love and getting married, then having babies when you’re stable and responsible….It’s great advice.  I wasn’t in love, I was in a relationship with a manipulator for way too long. He made me feel like I had nothing without him. But guess what? Since I kicked him to the curb, the quality of life has drastically improved. I can’t believe I just wasted so many words on such an asshole…

Speaking of assholes, I fell in love once. Hard. I don’t really know how it happened. One day I was sitting there talking to this guy, drinking beer and telling life stories. When I got up to walk away because obvious I can’t hold my alcohol and have to go pee every 5 minutes..He grabbed me and kissed me. It was all over at that moment. I saw it in his big sleepy eyes that this was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds like a fairy tale huh? Nah, 5 years later it crashed and burned and left me here in a pile of ashes. He was my bestfriend, he was my person. I found my soul mate. Things were wonderful for the longest time, my kid adored him and still does to this day. He was a great male figure in her life and his dog was her bestfriend. We moved in January of whatever  year it was, into his parents house, we were taking over the mortgage. That was a big mistake. It wasn’t home, it was his parents house. He hated it, I couldn’t even walk around in my underwear without one of his parents just showing up. We were miserable and we directed that misery on our relationship. He drank all the time, I bitched about him drinking all the time. You ever hear females say they just want to feel pretty? Well believe them. I felt unloved, everything I did got on his nerves. I spent countless nights wondering what was wrong with me, then I found a old email where he confessed his unresolved feelings to his ex…. Considering how unapologetic he was when I confronted him about it proved to me that he no longer cared to fight for this relationship. So guess what, I gave up to. My mind began to wonder and I knew that I needed to leave. It then turned into a on and off again, one person would try but the other one wouldn’t situation. I honestly wished we would have fought a lot harder. Now he’s far away putting his babies in some new girl, still telling me how much he loves me. It’s been almost 2 years. Maybe we aren’t suppose to be with our soul mates forever. Maybe they are only here for a short time to teach you some sort of life lesson. Who knows…

So I have been single for 2 years….pathetic right? I must say I have become a better person over these years. I am self sufficient and proud. I bought a house, I have been remolding it myself, raising a kid on my own and recently bought a new car. I’m pretty proud what a badass women I have become. But god let me tell you about these two years of looking for love in all the wrong places.

Internet dating. I really don’t think I need to say anything else on this subject. Fail, fail, fail! Here’s the thing, no one wants to date, they want you to drive to their house, get their dick wet and never speak to you again. That’s not how I do things. Lets see, one date I thought I was getting kidnapped because the dude drove me around for like 12 hours and kept coming up with more places to go so he couldn’t take me home. Yes we went to Wal-mart to buy some toilet paper for his mom’s house. Yes, I texted my cop friend with my location and the license plate number. One date I got drugged. Yep, drank half of a drink and things got dizzy and dark. I’m good tho, Locked myself  in the bathroom and woke up hours later in a cold shower. This dude was nowhere to be seen. You think after those two horrible dates I would have learned right? Hell no, I was convinced I would find someone to fill this emptiness in a sad, sad plenty of fish profile. Oh then there was the dude that left me upside down in a ditch and made me walk 10 miles home in the sleet. Yeah he was a keeper. I don’t know how many times I have had friends try to hook me up with different people. This guys mom messaged me on Facebook, begging me to go out with his son. I’m sorry mama, I’m not ready for a Earl Lee in my life. Does that name not sound like a dirty white tank top, wife beating, Budweiser drinking old man? It’s a pretty accurate description.

I was done. All these horror stories make you hold your cat a little bit tighter at night. I had accepted the forever alone lifestyle and was very content with it. Actually I was more than content, I was kicking ass. I mow my own grass, fix my own car, smash my own scary bugs. It’s nice to go places and not have to tell someone where you are going and how long you’re going to be gone. It was nice being able to innocently flirt with strangers. I can go out on a Tuesday and shamelessly stubble in the door at 3am with only a judgmental look from my cat who is just mad I didn’t bring any drunk food to share. But it sucks rolling over in the middle of the night and not having a warm hairy man laying beside you to snuggle up close to and feel safe… People kept saying “just watch as soon as you stop trying, it’s going to happen.” And I’ll be damned if it didn’t. But this is where the title of this post comes into play. I apparently don’t know how to date, or is this even dating? Are we just friends enjoying each other company? Or is it something more? I DONT FUCKING KNOW. I was just waiting for my kid to get back from a field trip and there stands this man. He walks up to me to ask if I have heard anything about what time they would be back. I don’t know what got into me that day, I am the shyest person ever but I grew these gigantic balls that day and asked him to come kill time with me until the kids returned. I have never been so attracted and intrigued by a complete stranger. Things just got better and better everytime I hung out with him. I felt so comfortable around him, like I could finally just be myself. God is that a wonderful feeling. We spent a entire Sunday watching football, drinking, eating good food, laughing, having sex, and shooting our empty beer cans with a pellet gun in our underwear. I’d rather have a day like that then have a man spend ridiculous amounts of money on me.  But something in my gut keeps telling me to back off. It’s probably that giant, cemented, not even the Kool-Aid man could bust through this wall, barrier I have built up around my heart. I have a bad habit of diving head first into everything. I get my hopes up and quickly get them shot down. Maybe I confuse lust and love too often. Or maybe good dick just makes women crazy. Men just suck at communicating anything other than I’m hungry and I’m horny. Trying to just play it cool and see where it goes. He seems like the kind of person I wouldn’t mind sharing my jalapeño Cheetos with.

I always see these suggested posts come up on my Facebook. It’s always blogs about “why you’re pushing him away”, “what not to do in a relationship”, “how to make the guy want you.”  I read all of them. Where do they get this info from tho? I feel like it’s probably a middle aged single cat lady who stays up till 4am watching Lifetime and checking her E-harmony account. Why does every single one of these blogs tell you to treat dating and relationships as a fucking game? Why must you always play hard to get for someone to want you? I work with a lot of men, so I spend quite a bit of time talking about my man problems to get a man’s perspective. I wonder how my love life would be if I actually followed their love advice. I get stuff like “just grab his dick and tell him you want him” and “don’t text him for like a week and he will show up at your door begging to spend time with you.” Screw that. If that’s what guys want then maybe I should start dating women. If I like you I am going to tell you, in person, over text, and through stupid relationship memes I post all over social media.  I’m too old and too tired for games. Love me, leave me, whatever, just be honest with your intentions. If you don’t want to hurt my feelings, then don’t get my feelings involved.

 

I’m sure there’s going to be many posts similar to this one. I’m only 27 and I have heard that your love and dating life doesn’t really take off until your 30’s. Thank god the older men get the better looking they become and the more alcohol they can consume.

Until next time….

Stay classy assholes.

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