Bartender, I really did it this time.

I like to drink. This is not a secret. With the responsibility of alcohol consumption comes countless stories of being irresponsible. Grab a beer and enjoy some of my alcohol induced adventures.

College:

I use to live in party central. Binge drinking and stuffing greasy food in your face at 2am. I don’t understand why I was so skinny? I gave no fucks in those days. My dresses were too short and my drinks were too strong. I was your typical party girl in the little black dress. You know why we wear black dresses? Because you can’t see the different kinds of alcohol we spill all over ourselves during the course of a night. There use to be this one bar we went to every Friday night. I never purchased a single drink in this place. Men just kept shoving them in your face in hopes you’d end up in their bed. Not this girl. I have never been the one to get drunk and sleep with strangers. You know where I normally ended up? Either in the back alley, sharing my post bar drunk food with the old bum, Jerry, or in someone’s shower. I’d lock myself in random people bathrooms for like 4 hours while I took a nap in their shower. Yeah I was that girl. But regardless, there’s nothing wrong with a little flirting. So we’re in the crowded bar. I met this guy who was like the best dancer ever. He could get low and also stabilize me when this drunk bitch was about to fall down. He was my dance floor fling for a entire year. So for a whole year I danced with the same guy who always greeted me with a bud light in each hand. I knew nothing about this guy and didn’t care. It was innocent drunken love. One night I finally asked him to meet me for lunch the next day because I wanted to see how we interacted without liquid courage. Bad mistake. It was like going to Waffle House sober. You finally notice how disgusting that place really is. Not only did this guy pull up in full douche attire, (white mustang, white sunglass, white polo) he was a complete asshole. Here is what really blew my mind. This guy didn’t have any fingers! By no means am I making fun of a man for his disability. Nor was I unattracted to him based on his lack of extremities. But how in the fuck did I dance with this guy hundreds of times and not ever notice? Especially since all of his friends called him Nubs. I mean those hands were super friendly with all of my curves. Drunk me doesn’t pay attention to details, mainly personalities and extremities.

Football game. Drunk. Walked directly to Harris Teeter and saw there was a sale on candles. Bought 10. All smelled like men. Lit all 10 of them and cried myself to sleep. Didn’t burn apartment down. Woke up with half eaten chicken wings in my bed.

House party. I still do not know whose house that was. They had made a giant plastic container full of PJ. Ended up on my knees while some stranger picked up the container and poured the alcohol directly into my mouth. I was wearing a white RUN DMC t-shirt. Took off the now red shirt and squeezed the liquid out of it and into my mouth. I was raised not to be wasteful. Danced so hard I knocked a collection of guitars of the wall. Disappeared. Started a better party in my friends SUV with a bottle of Peach Ciroc and dancing in the sunroof. I came, I fucked shit up, I passed out in the floorboard. No shame.

Pregamed way too hard for a monster truck rally. When you think monster trucks what is the first thing that comes to mind? BEEER and MEN! Apparently not this one. No one informed me it was sponsored by Tonka Trucks and it was a kid’s toy donation event. Whatever, they still served beer. May have accidently spilled a little on the kid sitting in front of me. It’s fine, beer is good for the skin.

Worked a 8 hour shift. my stripper friend, Bubbles, was waiting outside by my car when I got off. She said get in and handed me a beer. I didn’t ask questions when it came to her. Next thing I know I am half drunk and on the way to Myrtle Beach so she can meet some dude off of Plenty of Fish. She tries to race a black charges. Fails. We get there and she failed to mention that it is black bike week. MY GOD. There were giant bootys and crotch rockets EVERYWHERE! We get lost. End up dragging a barrier with her car a good 20 feet. Address of his place was North Drive SOUTH Myrtle Beach, we were on North Drive NORTH Myrtle Beach. An hour later, we finally found the place. Walked into a mansion, took a trip up 4 stories in a elevator to the main room. Turns out he is a well known music producer. I was given a bottle of Crown Royal and vanished to the hot tub. This hot tub was ON THE STRIP. You know where thousands of these biker just drive by. Here I am, one of the few snow bunnies on the entire beach, taking shots of Crown in a hot tub. I made a friend, he just got out of jail. He thinks I’m the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. Flattering. I’m drunk. Where’s Bubbles? Get me the hell out of here. She finally comes and grabs my ass up and at 3am she drives us 4 hours home. I wake up, ALIVE, in the parking lot of my job. Guess who has to clock in and work another 8 hour shift in 15 minutes. This girl.

I was sitting at the bar one night with my friend. Guy comes up to us, trying to flirt. His way of seducing us involves a pool table in his friends barn and a bag of hot sweaty blueberry flavored weed under his ball sack. No thanks. Two attractive guys rush in and tell the dude to fuck off and stop talking to their girlfriends. Hey now, I like where this is going. They tell us that they are going a few miles down the road to their house to keep drinking and want us to tag along. Ok, but were driving separate. 55 miles away later, we are somewhere in the middle of nowhere that I’m pretty sure was the location they filmed the Hills have Eyes. Shitty trailer in the middle of a corn field. We’re going to die. Walk into the house and there’s 2 other dudes and no beer. Fuck this. Somehow it took us 2 hours to get home. We had no idea where we were.

Logan’s road house. It’s a Monday. End up making a glass castle of empty shot glasses. I order another shot and it’s water. Spit it directly into the waitresses face and tell her to fuck off and bring me my Goose. She was scared. I don’t remember leaving. Woke up covered in bruises because I apparently kept running into people’s chairs during their family dinners. Called EVERY ex boyfriend. Oops.

Went out with my boyfriend and all his friends. I am sitting at the bar and they start talking about puppies. I break out my phone and start showing them pictures of my cute dogs. They respond with “yeah we love big puppies, little puppies, perky puppies, all kinds.” Did not pick up on the fact that puppies was a code word for tits and I just had a 10 minute convo about my tits they were staring at. Didn’t realize this until I get grabbed by the pony tail by my super intoxicated boyfriend and dragged across the bar. I try to slap him and security picks me up like I’m a 5 yr old and takes me outside and sits me on the sidewalk. My boyfriend proceeds to yell at me like I’m a dog who just shit on the carpet. Some dude walks out and proceeds to hit on me in the middle of him yelling at me. WTH seriously? Piss in the parking lot and locked myself in my car for a 5 hour nap. Classy.

As I get older the stories get less exciting. I normally fall asleep after my first glass of wine before 9pm. Sad I know. Ew, adulting.

Ok this is getting too long. Have a good weekend assholes!

 

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