I have such a love-hate relationship with this past weekend. I had an amazing time, but then the world kind of ended and killed my buzz.
Bounced out of town Friday before the hurricane hit. I feel shitty that I ran away to have a weekend for me and left my child here with her dad. In all fairness, I stocked my house with food and left them the key if things got scary. I disappeared 4 hours from home to the city to spend such a wonderful weekend with my best friend of 14 years. I did nothing but stuff delicious food in my face, drink myself silly, and laugh so hard that it hurt. I felt guilty for getting a pedicure while people back home were up to their knees in water due to Hurricane Matthew. I shopped so hard that I’m sure my debit card felt more used than a mid thirties, alcoholic cat-lady’s vibrator. Every time I come visit, I have this sense of clarity and freedom. Like that black cloud that always follows me around stayed the fuck home. This city is an opening for a new life, I’ve thought quite a bit about selling the house and running away. It’ll probably never happen, but it is nice to run away in my thoughts.
Over this trip I learned some new things about myself.
- I really need to invest in one of those high end massage chairs. I would have sold my left tit for the one in the Asian nail salon.
- I like dogs more than people. Went to a dog bar and fell in love. Who wouldn’t love to get drunk and play with like 50 dogs? Plus it’s a bar you can walk in and never get rejected. There will be plenty of men who want to lick your face and smell your butt. They are just kind of furry and you can’t take them home because they belong to someone else. Basically married men.
- I like to caress people’s faces in my sleep. Apparently in my drunken slumber, I rolled over and rubbed my friends mom’s face in a soft, flirty kind of way. I’m such a sleepy romantic. I must have been dreaming it was Burly B and wanted some lovin.
- Viva Chicken is life.
- I have a home décor obsession. Everything that I bought this weekend was either consumable or a something to add to my gallery wall. If I had a truck with me, I would have came home with half of ikea. I can’t be stopped.
- I have the inability to stay up past 10pm. Does that mean I’m adulating full time now?
It was a great weekend but towards the end of my stay I started getting hit with the realization that home was pretty bad off. We were under a state of emergency. Getting home was a challenge. There was dozens of closed highways, rushing waters, trees down and just pure devastation. In some areas people were left on their roofs waiting for help because the water had completely submerged their homes. It didn’t seem real. I finally made it home to see that everything was in one piece and my little girl was safe. Her and her dad took up at my house because it was the safest place to go. My oh my did they trash my place tho. Keep telling myself that having a dirty house is a lot better than not having s house at all. He tried to tell me that his truck broke down and he couldn’t leave so that’s why they were there all weekend. Smells like bullshit to me. Cause let me tell you, I sure do love coming home to a trashed house and some prick being a complete dick to me as soon as I walk in the door. But let me guess, it isn’t fair that you had to baby sit your own child, in a safe house full of food, water and still had power. Compared to the hundreds of people that didn’t have any of those things anymore. I seriously need to stop being a nice person. My house looked like a frat house after a huge party. I wanted to stab him in the neck with a dirty screw driver. Yes, that is how much I hate him.
As soon as I finally get home, I lose power. Great timing. Phone is on 5%, child is freaking out, and the pictures all over the news is starting to make my anxiety run higher than the water levels. So what do I do? I start obsessively cleaning in darkness. Cleaning is how I vent because I am not an aggressive or confrontational person. My child deals with her anxiety by walking circles around me and asking 500 million questions. This is why shaking baby(or bratty kid) syndrome is a real concern. Thank God for Burly B and his generator and awesome kids. It was really nice being able to run away to the middle of the woods and pretend like the world around you isn’t falling to pieces.
Have I mentioned that seeing a man be a really great dad is like porn for single moms? So listen up bros, if you want a woman to want to jump your bones, be a good responsible father figure. Women love that shit. Oh they also love it when you give them t-shirts that smell like you, but that’s another subject for a later date.
I’m not going to share the dirty thoughts going through my head while I watched him sprawled out on the couch, snoring like a chainsaw fighting a grizzly bear driving a bulldozer. Smh, I don’t know what is wrong with me either. I’m hooked.
Minus mother nature’s bitching and crying, I had a fantastic weekend. Next week we’re taking the kids and camping out in the middle of the woods in the mountains. This is going to be a post for the books. Well if I don’t get held hostage by a lonely bear.
As always, Stay classy assholes!
** Side note: I know I make everything into something unserious. Here’s a few quick words about something that is super serious. Go to google and type in “Flooding in Wayne County NC.” This is my home. It’s so horrible seeing people’s homes snatched away by mother nature. I know that bad things like this happen every day but something hits the heart a little harder when it’s the place you call home. I was very fortunate to not live so close to water and have avoided flooding. Keep my town in your thoughts. #prayforgoldsboro