“Calm down bitch. They aren’t cops, they are fucking parking garage security”

Holy shit. I had such an amazing weekend. Just me, my girl, a tent and the most breath taking view. mtWe camped for two nights on Black mountain and woke up to this every morning.

I felt like I could finally breath and relax for once. Friday night was spent drinking Pumpkin beer by the fire while we talked about anything, everything and nothing at all.

Night 1 

I almost froze to death because I forgot to put socks on and homegirl was hoarding her body heat on the other end of the tent. Woke up bright and early on Saturday and made some banging bacon sammiches. Don’t underestimate my wifey skills. We wanted to be adventurous so we went hiking to find some falls. I learned a few things wandering in the woods that day.

water

  1. The path less traveled will probably get you lost. Butttt you will stumble upon some of the most beautiful parts of nature.
  2. I’d rather sit barefoot underneath a water fall then interact with humans.
  3. If I was being chased in the woods by a serial killer, I would die in less than 10 minutes. Murders wont let you stop to catch your breath or have a quick snack.
  4. There were like 4 new places that are now added to my “places to have sex with King Daddy” list.
  5. I am so down for selling my house and living in the middle of the woods for the rest of my life.
  6. It is never a good idea to drive anywhere with less than a half a tank of gas. Being lost on top of a mountain with no signal, low gas and a super high drop off is kind of scary.
  7. The creepy locals that look like they are something from the Hills have Eyes are the nicest people I have ever met.

Night 2

We came, we saw, we fucked shit up. Our campsite was about 10 minutes from downtown Asheville. I came pretty prepared with an ample amount of booze for this trip. It’s pretty safe to say that you can’t take me anywhere without getting into some kind of trouble. I am definitely the reason we can’t have nice things. I decided it was a great idea to blow thru 2 bottles meof wine while we showered and got ready. I promise I had no idea that I was serenading quite a few women with my tipsy shower songs. Luckily I turned out looking somewhat decent. We drove circles around downtown trying to decide where we wanted to go. I really couldn’t decipher between the bums and the hipsters that were all over the streets. I guess the only difference is who posses the cigarettes and who reeks of urine. We stumble into some bar that smells like weed and hopes drowned in overpriced foreign beer. We’re not cool enough for this place. Fuck it. Down your beer and move on. Next place we walk into has potential. The music is good but everyone is just standing around looking half drunk and lost. Fuck that. We walk in and go directly to the men’s bathroom to piss away the last bit of our dignity. (There’s never a line for the men’s bathroom). 2 crown and cokes please. I successfully get a group of pretty blonde girls up and shaking what little their mama’s gave them. Bless their hearts. The tall one wont keep her hands off my ass. Calm down bitch. I spot a group of beautiful black women that I need to add some flavor in this group. The party is officially started. Here comes the group of creepy horny men ready to dive in. My job here is done, time to bounce. We go on an adventure to the parking garage to get cigarettes out of the car. We can’t find the car. At this point the only logical explanation is that the car has been stolen because there is no way 2 women lost their car in a parking garage. Here comes security trying to sweep in and be heroes. It’s 2 super young guys, maybe 21. They tell us to stay right here and they will be right back when they find the car. Don’t tell me how to live my life. I am 3 rows up by the time they come back. Disappointed with our inability to take direction, they lead us to our car. I’m not going to admit that I lost the car.  We make the skip, walk, run, stop and pee, back to the last bar. Why yes, I would LOVE a tequila shot. It has officially hit that point in the night where the free drinks start coming and men are aggressively trying to find a drunk girl to take home.First off, like omg it is totally disrespectful to be hitting on me in front of my long term girlfriend. You better watch it, she gets pretty feisty when she’s mad. ( She actually became the super jealous, over protective gf, it was intense and pretty damn sexy. oh baby) I think this made the unwanted male attention worse.

Things women say/do to keep creepy dudes away from them:

  • Pretend to be lesbians
  • Run away
  • “Sorry I’m married” (points to random big guy in corner of bar)
  • “BRB I have to go pee/get a drink/get some air”

I understand that the majority of people go out for the sole purpose of finding someone to hook up with. I’m not about that life. I want to catch a buzz and dance until I fall down and then go home and sleep like a baby. ALONE. I can’t embarrassingly shove a entire Cookout tray in my face in 3 minutes if there’s some stranger sleeping in my bed. Fuck that noise.

I somehow ended up with 4 half drank beers in my hand and its time to go home. I don’t waste beer so I chugged them. All of them.  Someone go ahead and call the babysitter, I just lost my peripherals. This guy who was flirting with us all night insisted to walk us to our car to make sure we got back safely. BULLSHIT. This leads to our new parking garage security friends escorting him out of our car and far far away from us. Apparently he had it in his head he was going to come cuddle up between us in the our tent. That my body heat buddy, back off.

Miss paranoid to my left is freaking out about the cops knowing how wasted we are. Asking us questions about how much we drank and who is driving home. Uber duh. She kept saying over and over “omg the cops know, what do they want, i’ll suck a dick!” Which in response I kept yelling “Calm down bitch. They aren’t cops, they are fucking parking garage security.” Keep in mind they were right beside us.

We made it home. Alone. Well, to our tent in the woods. I’m sure I was super loud and the entire camp ground probably hated this drunk bitch and was super happy when I passed out.

Next day:

Woke up, not dead but pretty close. Decide to go hiking again, with a hangover. Smartest idea we’ve ever had. It was still a super beautiful day but we couldn’t hang. Time to shove greasy food in our faces and head home.

I know I mainly focused this blog on the drinking part of my trip. Mainly because it was hilarious and that’s what you people love to read. But the running away to such a beautiful place with a beautiful soul is what made the trip. It was peak time for the leaves changing and the weather was absolutely perfect. I’m all about the simplistic, outdoorsy life. Super glad I have awesome friends that are down to do those kind of things with me. If you can’t start a fire and open a beer with your teeth, we can’t be friends, sorry not sorry. We made a memory that will last forever and I can’t wait to go back. How about Round two next weekend?

 

Thanks for coming,
Stay Classy Assholes!

 

 

Btw, this is why my boss hates me.

ha

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3 thoughts on ““Calm down bitch. They aren’t cops, they are fucking parking garage security”

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