There was a tiny envelope laying on my desk this morning. It was addressed “Jenn and Guest.” By the time I get it open and read it, I am covered in so much glitter my face looks like I’ve been motor boating strippers.
Every time I am invited to a wedding, my face says “Oh yay can’t wait”, but my mind immediately says “Fuckkk.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love weddings. They are beautiful and I am super honored to be able to share that moment that will change your life forever. I will also be right beside you taking fireball shots at the bar at 7pm on a Tuesday, celebrating your divorce.
I have never had an actually date to a wedding. Mainly because I was either part of the wedding party or my past boyfriends were just assholes that made me do everything alone.
I have never attended a wedding that I didn’t get black out drunk.
There maybe a slight correlation between those two. Maybe I shouldn’t be unsupervised at an event with an open bar.
I think I’m a really great date tho. I look pretty snazzy when I’m all dressed up. I am the life of the party. I’ll have grandma out there doing the wobble and start the traditional first lap dance. I will make sure you will always have a full beer and belly. I give really heartfelt speeches, mainly consisting of 90’s rap quotes. Plus I’ll lure you into a dark closet and molesticate you. *Ah another place to add to the King Daddy list.*
I should probably just avoid the date rejection and wedding altogether.
I have been over exhausted and swamped at work this week. People need to chill the hell out.
I swear my job title has changed to magician because these people keep expecting me to magically pull stuff out of my ass. Sad thing is when I get off it’s not like I can go home and relax. So many things to be done. My house looks like that camping trip threw up all over it. My grass is higher than your expectations. And I have serious roof work that needs to be done from the hurricane. But never fail, I am super mama bear and it will eventually get done before I roll over in my grave.
Don’t forget to stop and breathe. Stay classy assholes.