Y’all. I am a bout to get super personal. But it’s ok, you’re complete strangers. I can’t feel your judgments from this side of the computer screen.
This morning while waiting for the bus, my child asked me when her daddy was going to come see her. I respond “I don’t know baby, you know he works a lot, he’s probably super busy lately.” Why the fuck do I take up for him? I know he’s probably somewhere knocked out with his head between his knees.
I am a emotional umbrella for my child. Shielding her from the downpour of heart break and lies. It really takes a toll on a person. It emotionally drains me and I have all this guilt. This is all my fault. All my actions from the past has put her in this life.
Baby daddy background:
I met this guy in highschool. He was a drop out that lived across the street from my school. I pick winners, I know. I was young, he was my first boyfriend. I got trapped in an emotional manipulating relationship. I know it’s so easy for people to say, it’s not that hard, just leave. But the truth is it wasn’t that easy. He held so much over my head, he made me feel like I had nothing without him. But truth was he was draining me and I had nothing with him. I lived everyday making sure he had everything so he would never get mad. There is no reason I should have been covered in bruises. I was bigger and stronger than him, but next to him I felt like a piece of floating trash in the middle of the ocean. Then I got pregnant. The day I was going to tell him, we fought. Fought his self right into a restraining order. There were knife marks in my door where he kept stabbing it while he yelled “fuck you bitch, the only way your leaving me is if you’re dead.” I was determined to never tell him, this was his child. Do you know how bad it sucks having to hide an entire pregnancy? When my parents found out, they kicked me to the curb. They paid for my apartment in college so they told me I needed to leave. So there I was. Homeless, pregnant, emotional scarred. Living in a old white bronco, still making my way through college. I struggled everyday. One of his family members saw me one day. They knew it was his. My face can’t lie when you ask me that kind of question. I immediately broke down in tears.
It was somewhere around my daughter’s 1st birthday that her dad decided that he wanted to take legal action to get full custody. He lost, but I did agree to let him have visitation. I feel a father is very important in every little girls life. But now I’m starting to feel like that was a huge mistake.
I was alone, scared, and tired. I just wanted some help. It’s so hard doing everyone on your own.
We set up a schedule for him to be able to visit her. While he had a girlfriend things were fine. Mainly because the girlfriends always took care of my child while he was high as a kite off of this months drug of choice. The thing is, when you meet him, he is such a funny, loving people person. It’s all a disguise. He does nothing but manipulate everyone he crosses paths with. He was a habitual liar. I swear he lied so much he started actually believing them. He still had this strange control over me. He emotionally broke me down every time I came in contact with him. Every time I spoke to him I felt panicky and trapped. One day I finally decided enough is enough.
So here we are. I am the primary care taker of this lost and hurt little girl. I do everything I can to make it better. She wants her dad. He’s too busy for her. But that moment he does come to see her, she lights up and pretty much worships everything he does. She looks up to him, she loves him so much. She still says he’s the man she wants to marry one day. He always says he is going to do something and never does it. Just shows up making up excuses and telling my daughter that this is somehow all my fault. I put up with all his bullshit just so she can have those few minutes of happiness. So now I’m mean mommy. I honestly feel guilty when I punish her. I feel like what she has to go thru with her father is punishment enough. I also see her becoming very clingy with men. Her opa, and papa, that’s fine. But when she’s flagging down cops and asking them to date her mama because she sees them as safe and reliable…..that’s a problem. I tried to take on the father figure role too but I just can’t give her what a dad can give. I have a 7 yr old in therapy. I feel like I have failed her in everyway.
I fight these feelings everyday. I can give my child what she wants but I can’t give her everything that she needs. I don’t want her to grow up thinking that’s how men are suppose to treat you. I want her to have nothing but sunshine, rainbows and kitty cats. I grew up in a dysfunctional broken family, and I will do everything I can to not give her that life. I hope one day when she gets older she will see how hard her mama tried. How her father loved her, but loved drugs more. She’s my everything, really the only thing I have in life. My only reason I wake up every morning. I find myself standing in the door way at night watching her sleep. I always cry because I see this beautiful little girl laying there with such a hurt heart.
It’s so hard…..
Cheer up sunshine, it’ll all be ok. Stay Classy Beautiful people.