The darkest part of your soul.

Death. It is an inevitable thing. I think Monday’s are a appropriate day to discuss this sort of thing. Only because of how dreary and lifeless my week begins.

Have you ever met the walking dead? I don’t mean zombies, I’m talking about a person who is still physically here but they are completely dead on the inside.

I have. This person would be my grandfather. He wasn’t like this until my grandmother died recently.

My grandmother’s death was really hard for everyone. This is a women I spent almost every day of my life with. My parents worked their lives away so I pretty much lived with this women. She taught me how to play the piano, how to act like a lady,  how to farm tobacco, and how to take no shit from anyone. She was a strong, dedicated women.  My granddad was a preacher so she spent her entire life right by his side. Traveling with him, praying with him, loving him, being completely dedicated to God and my grandfather. They were soul mates and out of their 60 something years of marriage, there was never a day they spent apart from each other. It was a relationship you envy.

The downward spiral of dementia is what took my grandmother. It started out slow. It wasn’t until she was put in the hospital for a simple UTI that things began to crash and burn. I spent every night in the hospital with this women. Even tho she  fought me, said things to me that made me feel like she was stabbing me in the heart, physically punching me. This wasn’t her. The unfamiliar location caused her dementia to flare up. She whooped my ass every night around 2am. This was the time that she decided that she wanted to get out of the bed and go home. She would tell me what a disappointment I was to the family, she would cuss at me and call me the worst names in the book. I left with bruises, a black eye and scratches everywhere. I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t her. But regardless it still hurt. I stayed with her until she was lifeless and dying in Kitty Akins. This is a place where you literally go to die. I laid in her bed every day and cried. She wouldn’t speak to anyone anymore. All she did was sing the same church song over and over. ” Ill see you in the morning.” Only a few years before, I was right here in the same spot. Laying in this bed with my papa, who laid here not speaking a word to anyone or opening his eyes. He laid there and prayed out loud for 2 weeks straight. It was kind of like they were becoming closer to God. The days went by and their bodies became weaker and lifeless, but still they continued to pray and sing.

Seeing my grandfather in so much pain and sadness was heartbreaking. Since she died, it’s like his soul was buried with her. He is nothing but a lifeless body walking around on earth. Every conversation with this man is completely depressing. He keeps reminding me to be prepared because he’s going to die any day now. He has no will to live anymore. We’ve taken him to multiple doctors to tell him that he’s not going to die, he’s healthy. But truth is, he’s dying of heartache and we’re watching it happen. I keep trying to go over there and feed him. My daughter seems to be the only person who can get a smile out of him. I wish there was something I could do to give him light and the will to want to continue life. It’s just not happening. I’m not prepared to bury another family member. Honestly I’m still a wreck from losing my grandmother.

I know this is depressing and I probably just brought you down a little bit. But this is a part of me. This is a piece of the darkness that I carry everyday in my heart. I know this is how life is intended to happen. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

I wish I was a emotionless, cold, heartless person. I probably would have gotten a lot farther in life.

Keep your head up, and stay classy assholes.

 

 

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