Pretty disgusting title I know. I’ll get to that in a minute.
So after months of being a slack ass I finally made it back to the gym. It’s a good place to go to help me kill some time and release all this built up energy and tension. I was told the other day that I was super aggressive which is totally not like me. My sex life is just lacking consistency and it’s make me lose my shit. So gym it is.
Walking in I had such anxiety that when I scanned my card a huge alarm would go off and notify the entire gym that I haven’t stepped foot in this bitch in 4 months. Of course it didn’t, the girl at the front desk just kind of gave me that “who the hell are you new lady” look.
Next comes the panic of what the hell do I do first. All the treadmills are occupied by the slow walking, fast talking, army wives. I don’t know what the hell you do with half of the other shit in the gym. I do know all about the captains chair though. If you see a girl on this thing excessively, it means she’s a freak (or just trying to get her workout on). Let me tell you why… The piece of equipment is designed for you to brace your weight on your forearms and bring your legs up, out and inward for pretty much a upright crunch. It works your lower abdominal muscles. It also gives some women the same sensation of having a orgasm. So that’s not a look of pain in her eyes…just saying. Haha. What? You know I have to work in something dirty into everything that I say.
I ran for an hour, did my squats, leg presses, had a few orgasms (haha jk) and then disappeared. Good workout. There was plenty of nice sweaty muscles to stare at. It’s nice if you can drown out all the grunts and screams coming from the weight room. At this point I’m dying. Drenched in sweat and wondering how my legs are even still moving. Walk out the door and BAM. First thing that hits me is the smell of Papa johns right next door. Oh the temptation. It smell like happiness in the form of grease and melted cheese. Who was this asshole that would put all this delicious smelling super unhealthy food beside my gym? I fought off the temptation last night, not too sure how strong I will be tonight. Have a feeling there will be stuffed crust in my future. Speaking of something being stuffed….
So my kid’s dad has completely gone MIA. It’s been a month since we’ve seen or talked to him. This is really strange. Cause even if he’s not spending time with his kid like he should, he is always blowing up my phone with some bullshit. But this time nothing. I’ve checked to make sure he wasn’t in jail, Nothing. Checked to make sure there wasn’t a death certificate out for him, Nothing. Tried contacting his friends and family and they have no idea where he is. It’s so strange. I hate the fucker, but I’m a little concerned. Especially when my kid keeps asking where daddy is. Maybe he isn’t floating down a river somewhere.
Tonight I have been told to make a appearance at a “initial party.” I have no fucking clue what that is but there’s wine so I guess I’ll go. I’m sure it’s one of those fancy white people parties where they sell useless overpriced shit.
Then afterwards I plan on sitting on my front porch, wrapped in a blanket and drinking a bunch of shitty beer.
Hope you’re all having a wonderful Tuesday.
Stay Classy Assholes.