We’ve all come to the conclusion of what a hot mess I am. Thing is, it looks good on me.
I need to learn to stop going out drinking in public on week days. Mainly because its cheaper to drink in excess which makes work hangovers no joke.
I have this friend that I have known forever. He’s moved all over the place but we’ve always kept in touch and every time he comes to town we try to at least hit up a ECU football game or grab a drink. The older we have gotten, the harder he’s hit on me. I normally just laugh and dismiss it but MY GOD this time was too much. I met him out for taco Tuesday. Didn’t want it to seem like a date so I invited my lolo. Great thing about inviting her is the fact that she never goes anywhere alone. This bitch shows up with like 5 people. So were all sitting there eating tacos and having drinks. it’s a good time. Until I feel a cold hand rubbing up and down my leg. Bitch what. Slap his hand and continue on with what I was doing. “Accidental” boob grab. Ugh wtf. Here comes the stories of all these women who want to sleep with him because “he sure is packing in the meat department.” That’s just gross man. He proceeds to ask me why we never dated, he’s always had a thing for me, he wants me to start flying down to see him so he can spoil me. He has always thought I’d be the best girl for him to marry and start a family with. He had a very detailed dream of putting a baby in me and then watching it come out. *Vomits* It’s to the point that I’m just creeped out. I get it. Some women would love for a man to say those things to them. Here’s the thing. I’m not your typical women. Money and nice things don’t impress me. Bragging about the size of your junk doesn’t make me curious. The reason we never dated was because there was no spark between us. I’m not afraid to go after what I want, unfortunately it’s not you boo boo. I have now broken out of the sober cocoon and transformed into the drunk social butterfly. I’m all over the place. I have showed off my waitress’ ass to the entire bar. (It was super nice). I have offered cigarettes in exchange for domestic violence. The table of bikers are now all my best friends. I showed a lesbian a dick pic and she bought me a beer. I life couched 3 military dudes about their pathetic love lives. That one is funny because I am the LAST person who needs to be giving relationship advice when I can’t even get a man to stick around. I said something along the lines of stop fucking with women under the age of 25 who just want your money and status and get you a older women who just wants you for your man parts. Which then turned into “Well are you that older woman?” Sit down little boy. I officially did all the damage I could possibly do in this establishment and moved on to the next. I walked into a room of lifeless fucks. Got my two shots of fireball and started to mingle. Dragging strangers to the dance floor and telling random women how hot they look to boost up their confidence to get out there and dance and have a good time. I somewhat succeeded after my 4th shot. Then I found a couch, took a short nap and waited for my ride.
I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want this asshole giving me a ride to be in the same car as me. I talked so much shit I’m surprised I didn’t get left on the side of the highway. Honestly I just wanted to crawl into King Daddys bed and go to sleep. Wasn’t an option. Get home in one piece. Text people to come over, then immediately pass out next to my half eaten cookout tray. I’m the best.
Today has been the struggle bus ride from hell. Showed up with a half eaten bbq sammich and raccoon eyes from last nights makeup. I want to crawl under my desk and take a 8 hour nap. But instead I shall be going home, changing into something that says I’m ready to fuck some shit up and heading to celebrate my best friends birthday. Then driving home and being at work at 7am. I got this. Round 2 BITCHES!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Turkey Day! Stay classy and full assholes!