I’m at constant war with myself in my head. I keep saying that I can be a certain way and do certain things but my heart keeps tugging at me trying to tell me that I’m not being true to myself.
I deleted the dating website. It was killing me on the inside. These people are like talking to sacks of potatoes. I crave substance. Yeah you’re good looking, but where are your looks going to get you when you’re 80 years old? Not beside my rocking chair, sharing my hand knitted blanket and moonshine.
I did meet one guy on there that I connected with. Conversation was wonderful, he kept me laughing and he wanted an actual relationship. Yeah I know people sometimes just say stuff like that to make others happy, but he was sincere and honest and I appreciated that. But then here came the whole “I like you but here’s things you could change to be a better you and then id really like you.” It kind sorta really hurt my feelings. Once again, here comes the feeling of never good enough just the way I am. Of course I told him to fuck off. Honestly, it kind of got to me a little bit. Constantly staring in the mirror, looking at the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep because there’s not enough hours in the day to get all my work, home and mama duties done. Looking at my unattractive stomach that is covered in deep scars and stretch marks from having my child. My crazy, undone looking hair. The sound of my lisp when I talk. I admit, there could be a much better version of myself. But this is me, right now. My heart will be the exact same no matter how I look. I need to stop putting myself down and realize that this shallow things don’t matter and they wouldn’t matter to the right person. I’m working on it.
I’ve tried tricking myself into being ok with meaningless relationships. Meet new people, have a little fun, etc. I cant do it. I have such strong feelings that I am incapable of pushing them to the side for the sake of being a noncommittal sex bot. I’ve only had sex with one man since the confusing run in with my ex at the beginning of the year. I just can’t make myself hookup with strangers I can’t connect with. You know what I want? A best friend, sore sides from laughing so hard, a complete family, a warm heart, and a permanent smile on my face.
Yesterday I had a moment where my heart was so full I just wanted to bust out in tears. This is going to sound so silly. Sitting at a full dinner table. 3 kids and King daddy. Everyone talking and laughing and the kids not arguing for once. I know in a relationship sense things aren’t going anywhere with this but just having them in my life makes me so happy. I hope they know how blessed they are and what a blessing they are for other people.
This is such a sappy post. I apologize. I’m having a off day and have felt like I’ve been on the verge of crying all day. I’m sure its just the lack of sleep that is making me feel so down. I’ll shake myself out of it. Besides, I am going to have a great weekend. Going out of town to eat, drink and shop with my oldest best friend. She also has set up a blind date Saturday in hopes that he is my future husband. That way I would have to move there and be closer to her. The idea doesn’t sound so bad, but lets see how this date goes. You’ll def. be hearing about it.
Until next time, stay classy assholes!