It’s like my life is a movie and I am sitting out in the theatre seats, munching on my popcorn and yelling “Jenn, what the fuck are you doing” over and over again at the screen.
So what the fuck are you really doing Jenn?
I have sat around and whined and bitched for the past 3 years about how much I wanted a relationship. I wanted to fall in love again. Part of me still wants to. But why is it that when the opportunity is thrown onto my feet, I run faster than a cheetah on crack.
There’s this guy. He’s super nice, attractive and says all the right things. We’re going to call him Mr. FedEx. He’s constantly wanting to spoil me and spend time with me. I keep shutting him down. He keeps trying. Says he’s going to break through my thick wall I wont let down. Shouldn’t I be head over hills for this guy? I should, but I’m not. I’m actually kinda turned off at the fact that he actually wants to get to know me and possibly have a relationship with me. Can’t you just be a asshole, have sex with me and then disappear like everyone else does? My god. The fuckboys have really fucked me up. Is being a nice, emotionally available guy an unattractive quality? What a typical dumb female, wanting what I cant have, not wanting what I can.
This past weekend it snowed. Mr. FedEx decided to show up and purposely get snowed in at my house. I guess that’s cool, no one likes to be stuck alone in their house all weekend, oh wait no, I LOVE being stuck all alone in my house for days. He’s always complimenting me and making me laugh. It was nice just to hang out. But here’s the problem, he kind of scared the shit out of me. He’s moving way too fast. I barely know this guy and he’s already asking me to be his girlfriend and go to west Virginia with him to see his mom. Also, he got wayyy too aggressive in the bedroom. And NOT in a good way. I’m sorry but when I say no, that does not mean pin me down and proceed to try to change my mind. For a moment there I didn’t think he would get off of me, no matter how many times I told him NO and to let go of me. He’s a big guy, I wouldn’t been able to make him stop.Then when he finally did he acted like a little bitch and asked me over and over again why I didn’t want to. When the fuck did “because I said NO” no longer be a good enough answer? Huge turn off. Here’s the thing. Why didn’t I want to? Well I can tell you exactly why and it’s lame as shit. Laying there, I realized that this wasn’t the man I wanted in my bed. I wanted my King Daddy. Geez, first he friend zones my ass and now he’s ruining my sex life. Ok Ok, I know. The only person I can place blame on is myself. I’m the one that got too physically attached to King daddy.
I think I am starting to learn more and more how emotionally unavailable I am. Honestly, even though I’ve been single for 3 years, I haven’t truly been alone. I’ve been obsessed with the journey of finding my next love. But this journey has sucked and put me in too many bad situations. I’m still really hurt and bitter from my past. I don’t understand why I haven’t let go of it either. Just kind of sucks when you thought you met your forever and they end up beating you down to the point of nothingness. I’m broken and a rebound relationship isn’t going to fix it. I really need to take a step away from everything and rediscover myself and my vibrator. Maybe learning to love myself will later on give someone else a opportunity to love me too. Until then, I just need to keep my ass at home and keep my beer cold and my heart colder.
Look guys, I’m still trying to figure out this whole living life to the fullest and adulting lifestyle. Not doing my best but trying my hardest regardless.
Take it easy and as always, stay classy assholes.