I imagine if you were to take a peek inside my mind, it would look like something on the show Hoarders. Chaos. Shit everywhere. Not one organized thought. I’ve got so much on my mind and every time I try to express myself I feel like I am not getting my point through. Typing it out seems to help. So here goes nothing….
I’m fucking tired. I’m in a fog. I could sleep for 3 days and still be tired. I’m falling asleep at work in the middle of phone calls with customer service. I’m not sleeping at night because I lay there and stare at the ceiling wishing, wanting, waiting…. Plus side is I’m not eating that much either cause I’m too tired and I always feel so sick on my stomach. Yay for unhealthy weight loss.
Also work can go choke on a bag of dicks. The bullshit that I have had to deal with all week is above my pay grade. Every time I close my eyes all I see is numberssssss. Save me I’m drowning in patient accounts.
I was brought up being taught that if something was wrong, you stfu and kept it to yourself. I had no voice, the only expression you could really have is the fake smile I had to give my father when he came home from work. My family doesn’t say “I love you” unless some serious shit is going on. I have a problem with confrontation with men due to the fact that I spent a good majority of my time with my head down, arms behind my back, and a bitter man yelling down at me. I tried talking to someone about some things going on between us that was bothering me and the entire time I felt guilt. I felt like I was becoming a burden because I wasn’t happy about something. I felt like It was all my fault. I just want to unapologically express myself but all these insecurities won’t get out of my way.
I’ve got it bad for King Daddy. Yeah you know the man I was supposed to just have fun with and not catch any feelings? Well those little feeling fuckers bit me hard. And I knew it would be like this the first time I sat on my couch and talked to him. Him and his girls feel so much like home to me. I have cried for 8 fucking years about just wanting to be able to feel what it’s like to have a complete family, and they have given me all of that. I feel so full. But….the deeper I find myself falling the more my insecurities start coming out into the light. You know all those ones I have such a problem talking out loud about. I want him, just him. I have wasted so much of my time trying to force myself to talk to other men to avoid getting caught so deep in him. Doesn’t work. Just trying to carry on casual phone conversation makes me feel sick. I haven’t wanted to, or even wanting to think about going to bed with another man. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I’m just his friend. That one word has been like a giant cement wall prohibiting me from communicating any kind of feelings and future. The fact of him hooking up other women didn’t bother me. What really bothered me was the fact that these weren’t just hookups. He was having full on relationships with these women and I felt like they were sitting around like a lost love sick puppy just like me. Which makes me feel like I’m just part of the rotation and Im going to get dropped like a pile of rocks whenever he finds what he really wants. That breaks my fucking heart. Having to distance myself from him and his kids would kill me. I’m in way too deep and it’s fucking scary. But here’s the thing… He’s been married for 10 years did the whole love, baby carriage, heart break, divorce situation. Why would having me in his life other than just a friend even be a thought for him? See here’s comes the guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to be selfish with him. I can’t help it. I want him. The good, the bad, the past, the future, and definitely the beer belly. I want to know how he feels…..
You’ve ruined me in the best kind of way. You’re my best friend. I have never had so much fun with someone in my life. Please stay with me.
Stay Classy Assholes