Twenty-sixes on my 96 Taurus.

Sundayyyyy Fundayyyyyy

The Monday after superbowl Sunday is always the worst. Hangover from hell. I pregamed a little too hard while I was cooking. It’s my signature move. Show up shitfaced with wayyy too much food. But the food is always delicious and normally so am I. Drunk or not, I’m always a good time. I’ve missed my friends. First time getting together with everyone since Thanksgiving. Almost forgot how hilarious this group of people are. Just kind of strange that half of them are walking around with a beer in one hand and a baby in the other these days. I can’t lie, I do have bit of baby fever. My ovaries scream louder than a preteen at a Justin Beiber concert when I see a attractive man holding a tiny baby. Don’t worry I am well aware of what a hot mess I continue to be and that I’ve got a lot more steps to take in life before I could even think about finding another piece of shit to knock me up and constantly remind me what the definition of crazy is. I just need to keep “practicing” for a few more years.

Speaking of practicing, I also had a fantastic weekend sleeping in a comfy bed engulfed in warmness from a beautiful man and a tired beagle. I really appreciate a person that can equally run their mouth as much as I do and also enjoys sleeping as much as I do. I felt like such a creeper though. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and just laying there staring at the back of his big head, listening to him snore. I wanted to wake him up so bad but I knew he had to get up early. Self-control SUCKS. It’s all good, I’m pretty sure Kingdaddy already realizes what a weirdo I am and that I masturbate in his bed as soon as he walks out the door to go hunting.

I really need to work on finding a filter for this mouth.

On the downside of life, I have decided to give up carbs. That means no more beer and french-fries. It is so heartbreaking but I’ve really got to get in better shape. I wanna be one of those elementary hot moms that all the other moms cant stand. Too bad I have to give up yummy beer. Whiskey on the rocks doesn’t sound like a bad trade up tho. Sorry liver, I’m not a nice person.

Hope everyone had a equally awesome weekend. Stay Classy Assholes!

 

Parking lot breakdown.

 

I have come to the conclusion that my antidepressants are making me depressed. These emotional breakdowns in the parking lot after work are starting to become a frequent event. Then an hour later when I’m all puffy eyed and my head is throbbing, I wonder why I feel so sad. I don’t have anything to be sad about. Yeah life is a little tough, and my days aren’t always filled with sunshine and rainbows but I should be a stronger than those bad days. But I’m not. Lately I have been feeling defeated. By what? My own emotions. I let too many people control how I feel. I’m working on getting my life back. Just be patient with me.

I’m a hot mess.

Stay Classy Assholes.

That’s funny. I don’t remember buying tickets for a guilt trip.

 

This is nonsense. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I actually put my foot down and said no. It’s my life and I should be in full control of it. I feel guilty for making people feel anything other than happiness. Years ago I found myself sitting in a ice cold bath, crying and begging God to make it end. I was so hurt and torn down emotionally. When I pulled myself out of that depression, I told myself I would never let anyone I come in contact with ever feel the way I felt. That is why I give everything I have to even the people who don’t deserve it. But there comes a point where I just can’t. What they want from me is something I can’t give them and I have to turn them away. How do you change good nature to protect yourself?  I’m trying.

I’ve learned my lesson. You can’t be nice to everyone. Because they are going to assume you are their girlfriend after a few days and go bat shit crazy when you don’t fuck them or text back fast enough. Glad I curved a crazy before it got too out of hand. My horrible luck in the dating department is starting to make me question if I’m the common denominator of the craziness in all these winners I talk to. I just need to stay away from people, period.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I’ll hop off the pity horse soon enough.

Stay Classy, Assholes.

 

 

The trials and tribulations of living alone

After being in a relationship and living with a man for 5 years, I got pretty accustomed to certain things. Mainly; feeling safe, unlimited access to sexy time, and a magical yard that did it’s own maintenance. I’ve lived alone for 3 years now. Yes my kid was present but in this sense of home life she isn’t counted as a asset of security and labor.

Geez that’s a super nice way to refer to my kid.

Anyways, I want to express some of the struggles I have come across over the years that have came to be due to the fact of not having a extra adult body in the house.

I want to light this house on fire and watch it slowly burn. This is what goes through my mind every time something fucks up in my old shitty house. I love my house, but damn if every time it rains there is a new leak, every time the sun comes out it’s time to mow the grass again, every time you run the dishwasher it quits mid cycle and every time you try to rearrange furniture at 3am, something breaks. Ladies, if you wake up every day and never have to worry about the maintenance of your home, other than keeping that shit clean, then I recommended that you wake your man up to a BJ every morning. Keeping your home from falling to shit is hard. I know you can hire someone to do all of this work for you, but im a single mom, I can’t afford that shit. I feel like I am constantly on the roof, under the house, and behind a push mower. It’s a lot to do for just one person, but I get it done, for the most part. Most of the time I make my 7 yr old hold the ladder and the phone and tell her if I fall off the roof call 911 and tell them her dad pushed me.

The fuck was that noise? If I’m the one you’re relying on to figure out what that bang outside the window was, you’re screwed. I’m a big ass pansy. Every time I hear a strange noise I just pull the covers over my head and close my eyes and pray they just take the TV and the bag of Cheetos on the night stand and leave. My kid sleeps in my bed and she has to sleep on the side closest to the door so the boogie man gets to her first. You’re damn right I still check all the closets and under the bed for creepers every day that I get home. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever come face to face with one of them in my home that maybe I can offer them steak and beer in exchange for life. Last night I went out to my car to find my wallet and heard foot steps. I freaked the fuck out, locked myself in my car for 10 minutes and then found enough bravery to run to the house as fast as my thunder thighs would let me. Got in the house, locked the door and went into the bedroom to peek out the windows and look for this scary grizzly man walking around my yard coming to rape me. Turns out the ice melting from my roof and falling to the ground sounds just like the foot steps of a 400 lb rapist. My bad.

Resorting to begging people on facebook to come help me. I try to do everything by myself. But there are just some things that are not physically possible for one person to do. Like move a 200 lb bed from the house to the barn. Believe me, I actually tried doing it, almost broke my toe. I have resorted to asking facebook to help. This way I don’t feel guilty for asking one person. I just kinda put out a SOS and someone just volunteers to help. Normally they are men that secretly hope I will molest them if they come over and do some work for me. They are very disappointed when I hand them a beer and shoo them out the door.

Communicating with my animals. I find myself treating my animals more like roommates than furry little creatures. I come home and ask them how was their day, I share food with my cat so she will stay on the couch with me and watch Netflix, and I lecture my dogs about being lazy shits and needing to get up and do something productive with their lives.

Zippers. I use to have a jack russel that loved zippers. I spent a lot of time trying to train this dog to grab the zipper on the back of my dress and pull it up. Fail. Dog just looked at me like I was crazy and chewed on my dress. Thus resulting in me running across the street, hanging half way out my dress, hoping the neighbor was home to help me out. Oh the luxury of having a 24/7 dress zipper upper.

Sometimes I just crave substance. I’ve had a few friends stay with me for a short period of time. I loved waking up super early and crawling in the bed with them and talking about the crazy ass dream I just had. I crave physical contact (not sexual) and conversation. A warm body beside you to talk about anything and everything with is such a luxury. Being alone makes you appreciate people so much  more.

I think I have adapted very well to this lifestyle. I no longer consider it lonely and boring and feel the need to seek out individuals to fill the void. I appreciate the quiet and have come to realize that being by yourself helps you discover things about yourself and your abilities that you would have never known if you stayed comfortable under someone else’s wing. I get much more respect from being so independent but I have also learned that my hardheaded independence has a tendency to push people away. I have gone from the “omg I wont ever be able to do this myself” mentality to the “move over, I got this” lifestyle. It’s so rewarding. But you know, I always have to find something to bitch and whine about.

I honestly wish we could bring back some attributes of the old days. Mainly bartering. Everyone has their own unique qualities and knowledge that another person could benefit from. With bartering you aren’t using someone, you are doing something in fair trade. Always beneficial to both parties. The relationships between people would be stronger and positive. Unfortunately I grew up in the wrong generation for all of that.

 

Hope your humpday is everything you wanted it to be.

Stay Classy Assholes.

Faster than a cheetah on crack

It’s like my life is a movie and I am sitting out in the theatre seats, munching on my popcorn and yelling “Jenn, what the fuck are you doing” over and over again at the screen.

So what the fuck are you really doing Jenn?

I have sat around and whined and bitched for the past 3 years about how much I wanted a relationship. I wanted to fall in love again. Part of me still wants to. But why is it that when the opportunity is thrown onto my feet, I run faster than a cheetah on crack.

There’s this guy. He’s super nice, attractive and says all the right things. We’re going to call him Mr. FedEx. He’s constantly wanting to spoil me and spend time with me. I keep shutting him down. He keeps trying. Says he’s going to break through my thick wall I wont let down. Shouldn’t I be head over hills for this guy? I should, but I’m not. I’m actually kinda turned off at the fact that he actually wants to get to know me and possibly have a relationship with me. Can’t you just be a asshole, have sex with me and then disappear like everyone else does? My god. The fuckboys have really fucked me up. Is being a nice, emotionally available guy an unattractive quality? What a typical dumb female, wanting what I cant have, not wanting what I can.

This past weekend it snowed. Mr. FedEx decided to show up and purposely get snowed in at my house. I guess that’s cool, no one likes to be stuck  alone in their house all weekend, oh wait no, I LOVE being stuck all alone in my house for days. He’s always complimenting me and making me laugh. It was nice just to hang out. But here’s the problem, he kind of scared the shit out of me. He’s moving way too fast. I barely know this guy and he’s already asking me to be his girlfriend and go to west Virginia with him to see his mom. Also, he got wayyy too aggressive in the bedroom. And NOT in a good way. I’m sorry but when I say no, that does not mean pin me down and proceed to try to change my mind. For a moment there I didn’t think he would get off of me, no matter how many times I told him NO and to let go of me. He’s a big guy, I wouldn’t been able to make him stop.Then when he finally did he acted like a little bitch and asked me over and over again why I didn’t want to. When the fuck did “because I said NO” no longer be a good enough answer? Huge turn off. Here’s the thing. Why didn’t I want to? Well I can tell you exactly why and it’s lame as shit. Laying there, I realized that this wasn’t the man I wanted in my bed. I wanted my King Daddy.  Geez, first he friend zones my ass and now he’s ruining my sex life. Ok Ok, I know. The only person I can place blame on is myself. I’m the one that got too physically attached to King daddy.

I think I am starting to learn more and more how emotionally unavailable I am. Honestly, even though I’ve been single for 3 years, I haven’t truly been alone. I’ve been obsessed with the journey of finding my next love. But this journey has sucked and put me in too many bad situations. I’m still really hurt and bitter from my past. I don’t understand why I haven’t let go of it either. Just kind of sucks when you thought you met your forever and they end up beating you down to the point of nothingness. I’m broken and a rebound relationship isn’t going to fix it. I really need to take a step away from everything and rediscover myself and my vibrator. Maybe learning to love myself will later on give someone else a opportunity to love me too. Until then, I just need to keep my ass at home and keep my beer cold and my heart colder.

Look guys, I’m still trying to figure out this whole living life to the fullest and adulting lifestyle. Not doing my best but trying my hardest regardless.

Take it easy and as always, stay classy assholes.

 

 

This Grinch needs a drink.

I officially got caught up in the Christmas crazy. The other night I found myself laying in the middle of the floor, covered in tape, wrapping paper, tangled in ribbon and crying. I was more stressed than a horse in a glue factory. Really I did this to myself. The holidays aren’t about buying the best and most expensive presents. It’s about being with the people you love. Unfortunately, the people I love suck.

I found out at work that one of the guys has been advertising me to all the FedEx and UPS workers. It’s pretty equivalent to having your number written on the wall in the men’s bar bathroom. I was wondering why the men acted so strangely when I had to sign for a package. Apparently he had been telling all of them that I was single, like to drink and I’ve been inquiring about who they were and I’d like to buy them lunch sometime. Keep in mind that yes I am single, yes I love to drink, but I never said a damn word about any of these men. I don’t ever really see them unless they come to be directly to sign for something. Well turns out I have a date with a guy named George next week. Haha.

You know what I have learned about dating recently? Once you take expectation out of the equation then things go great and you don’t get your feelings hurt. If you go into something with high expectations of romance and love, then I’m sorry to tell you shug, but 99.5% of the time your feelings are going to get knocked down quick. I mean he is going to let you live that dream for a little bit in the beginning, but as soon as he sees those feels being caught…then here comes the “sorry I’ve just been so busy” or “my bad my phone has been dead the entire weekend.” You like how I started with Christmas stress and turned it into a conversation about my shitty dating life. I can’t help myself.

I took Wednesday off of work. I needed a day to breathe. I was so far behind in the shit I had to do that I felt like I was drowning. Luckily I got everything done Tuesday night and I had all day Wednesday to be a lazy shit. It was kinda sorta the most fantastic day ever. I was woken up by a sleepy eyed king daddy. I know I have probably talked about this far too many times but let me tell you…this man can drive you crazy just by the look in his eyes. It’s sincere and seductive and gives me the goose bumps. It apparently makes my underwear disappear also. LOL. All I’m trying to say is my morning started off right. Then spent the rest of the day shopping with the kids and then relaxing watching movies and drinking drinks so strong I should probably have a grizzly man chest by now.

I dreaded going to work on Thursday. I had such a relaxing and wonderful day off. When I got to work I had gifts on my desk. THIS IS EXCITING. No one ever buys me shit.  There was a taped up piece of paper with a smiley face drawn on it. I ripped it open, read the contents and started balling like a baby. smilesThere was $100 bucks folded up in this letter. I have no idea who it came from and everyone I have asked has no clue either. This is literally the sweetest thing I have ever gotten. A little background info: Every morning I walk into the office with the biggest shit eating grin imaginable. All day I just smile at people as much as possible. I’m trying to shine some positivity on all these negative nancys. Normally everyone just shakes their head or asks me if I’m on drugs. But reading this made me feel really good. My infectious smile finally mattered to someone. I just wish I knew who.

Lesson of the day: never let anyone dim your light because someone out there is relying on your light to pull them out of the darkness.

My glasses finally came in. I feel like the biggest nerd but my God can I see better. Also, today at work I haven’t had a headache due to staring at the computer screen all day. This guy at work who is always a complete dick to me actually stopped me in thgloassese hallway and told me he really liked my glasses. I can only assume that he has one of those naughty school teacher fetishes. Work is such a breeze today. Most everyone is off so I have no one bothering me. I’ve got some good music playing in the background and people keep bringing me super yummy food. I swear I’m going to gain 5lbs just today from all this shit. Just for breakfast we had cheesesteak omelets, nutella donuts and then someone brought  chicken minis.  Calm your shit people.  I’m trying to lose weight not have to ask for new bigger pants for Christmas.

Well I have about another hour until I can get this holiday started. which translates into I’m going to get drunk and fall down.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and you get plenty sex, alcohol and fuzzy warm socks.

Stay classy assholes!

Pain is always faithful to the worst timing.

I’m at constant war with myself in my head. I keep saying that I can be a certain way and do certain things but my heart keeps tugging at me trying to tell me that I’m not being true to myself.

I deleted the dating website. It was killing me on the inside. These people are like talking to sacks of potatoes. I crave substance. Yeah you’re good looking, but where are your looks going to get you when you’re 80 years old? Not beside my rocking chair, sharing my hand knitted blanket and moonshine.

I did meet one guy on there that I connected with. Conversation was wonderful, he kept me laughing and he wanted an actual relationship. Yeah I know people sometimes just say stuff like that to make others happy, but he was sincere and honest and I appreciated that. But then here came the whole “I like you but here’s things you could change to be a better you and then id really like you.” It kind sorta really hurt my feelings. Once again, here comes the feeling of never good enough just the way I am. Of course I told him to fuck off. Honestly, it kind of got to me a little bit. Constantly staring in the mirror, looking at the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep because there’s not enough hours in the day to get all my work, home and mama duties done. Looking at my unattractive stomach that is covered in deep scars and stretch marks from having my child. My crazy, undone looking hair. The sound of my lisp when I talk. I admit, there could be a much better version of myself. But this is me, right now. My heart will be the exact same no matter how I look. I need to stop putting myself down and realize that this shallow things don’t matter and they wouldn’t matter to the right person. I’m working on it.

I’ve tried tricking myself into being ok with meaningless relationships. Meet new people, have a little fun, etc. I cant do it. I have such strong feelings that I am incapable of pushing them to the side for the sake of being a noncommittal sex bot. I’ve only had sex with one man since the confusing run in with my ex at the beginning of the year. I just can’t make myself hookup with strangers I can’t connect with. You know what I want? A best friend, sore sides from laughing so hard, a complete family, a warm heart, and a permanent smile on my face.

Yesterday I had a moment where my heart was so full I just wanted to bust out in tears. This is going to sound so silly. Sitting at a full dinner table. 3 kids and King daddy. Everyone talking and laughing and the kids not arguing for once. I know in a relationship sense things aren’t going anywhere with this but just having them in my life makes me so happy. I hope they know how blessed they are and what a blessing they are for other people.

This is such a sappy post. I apologize. I’m having a off day and have felt like I’ve been on the verge of crying all day. I’m sure its just the lack of sleep that is making me feel so down. I’ll shake myself out of it. Besides, I am going to have a great weekend. Going out of town to eat, drink and shop with my oldest best friend. She also has set up a blind date Saturday in hopes that he is my future husband. That way I would have to move there and be closer to her. The idea doesn’t sound so bad, but lets see how this date goes. You’ll def. be hearing about it.

Until next time, stay classy assholes!

Online dating: Experiment results.

I know, I know. I said I would never resort back to online dating. But here I am on day 2 of a Plenty of Fish profile. I’m just lost and bored. I have a really hard time taking these things seriously. Mainly because the majority of the people on this site just want sex. Which is fine. I can deal with the fact that being noncommittal makes life a lot easier. I think I keep trying to convince myself to adapt to that lifestyle but truth is my heart is too big and Ill probably end up catching the feels. I still hang onto a little hope though. Hope that I’ll meet someone one day that makes me believe that falling in love really does happen. I don’t care about labels. I just want warmth and time. I want to wake up in someone’s arms, get a kiss on the forehead and see complete awe and happiness in that person’s eyes. That’s all I really care about, for someone to care.

Ok back to this situation on the phone. aka POF.

I’m switching back and forth between the male and female market. Just seeing what is all out there.  It’s kind of fucked up I’m just turning this into a high school science experiment. But hey it’s pretty fun and maybe ill meet someone cool along the way.

Here is what I found.
Females.
Market is very slim. Women are super straight forward. The majority of the ones on the site are in a straight relationship but are looking for a bedroom playmate. They are VERY upfront and honest about it too. See women get it. Straight and to the point so no one is ever sitting around wondering what the hell is going on. It’s super hard to find someone to connect with via conversation. I don’t understand, in public, I can friend every girl in that place but online I can’t even get a girl to carry on a conversation past hey whats up.

Males.
Oh fellas. 90% of these guys are like talking to a sack of potatoes. A sack of potatoes that want you to see their genitals. haha spuds. Some guys send these long messages about how beautiful your eyes are and how they would love to wine and dine you blah blah blah.  It has made me realize that I don’t like being talked sweet to. I like playful sarcastic banter. While you call me something cute like baby girl or cunt muffin. HA. Some guys type like that are shitfaced drunk and you have a hard time understanding anything. The really attractive ones apparently sold their brains and souls to the devil for their good looks cause aint nothing else there. I secretly want to meet some of these guys because they have the most adorable dog in the profile picture. Yes I said it, I want the dog, not you. If youre just “coming thru town on business” I don’t want to be your tour guide or call girl. You’re really old. Why must you post pictures with all these others guys that look more my type. Like who is homeboy to the left, give him my number! Guys, get you a good haircut, it will do wonders for your love life, I promise. Speaking of promises, some guy made me swear of my dead ancestors that I would talk to him again. Eww neediness.

I can’t wait for the upcoming date stories. The chronicles of my pathetic love life. Part 2.

I really just need to delete this app and keep going to the gym. That way I’ll be super hot and don’t have to go on dumb dating websites to find other emotionally damaged people to have bad conversation with.

Hope everyone’s Wednesday is going well. Stay classy assholes!

 

See what had happen was…

We’ve all come to the conclusion of what a hot mess I am. Thing is, it looks good on me.

I need to learn to stop going out drinking in public on week days. Mainly because its cheaper to drink in excess which makes work hangovers no joke.

I have this friend that I have known forever. He’s moved all over the place but we’ve always kept in touch and every time he comes to town we try to at least hit up a ECU football game or grab a drink. The older we have gotten, the harder he’s hit on me. I normally just laugh and dismiss it but MY GOD this time was too much. I met him out for taco Tuesday. Didn’t want it to seem like a date so I invited my lolo. Great thing about inviting her is the fact that she never goes anywhere alone. This bitch shows up with like 5 people. So were all sitting there eating tacos and having drinks. it’s a good time. Until I feel a cold hand rubbing up and down my leg. Bitch what. Slap his hand and continue on with what I was doing. “Accidental” boob grab. Ugh wtf. Here comes the stories of all these women who want to sleep with him because “he sure is packing in the meat department.” That’s just gross man. He proceeds to ask me why we never dated, he’s always had a thing for me, he wants me to start flying down to see him so he can spoil me. He has always thought I’d be the best girl for him to marry and start a family with. He had a very detailed dream of putting a baby in me and then watching it come out. *Vomits* It’s to the point that I’m just creeped out. I get it. Some women would love for a man to say those things to them. Here’s the thing. I’m not your typical women. Money and nice things don’t impress me. Bragging about the size of your junk doesn’t make me curious. The reason we never dated was because there was no spark between us. I’m not afraid to go after what I want, unfortunately it’s not you boo boo. I have now broken out of the sober cocoon and transformed into the drunk social butterfly. I’m all over the place. I have showed off my waitress’ ass to the entire bar. (It was super nice). I have offered cigarettes in exchange for domestic violence. The table of bikers are now all my best friends. I showed a lesbian a dick pic and she bought me a beer. I life couched 3 military dudes about their pathetic love lives. That one is funny because I am the LAST person who needs to be giving relationship advice when I can’t even get a man to stick around. I said something along the lines of stop fucking with women under the age of 25 who just want your money and status and get you a  older women who just wants you for your man parts. Which then turned into “Well are you that older woman?” Sit down little boy. I officially did all the damage I could possibly do in this establishment and moved on to the next. I walked into a room of lifeless fucks. Got my two shots of fireball and started to mingle. Dragging strangers to the dance floor and telling random women how hot they look to boost up their confidence to get out there and dance and have a good time. I somewhat succeeded after my 4th shot.  Then I found a couch, took a short nap and waited for my ride.

I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want this asshole giving me a ride to be in the same car as me. I talked so much shit I’m surprised I didn’t get left on the side of the highway. Honestly I just wanted to crawl into King Daddys bed and go to sleep. Wasn’t an option. Get home in one piece. Text people to come over, then immediately pass out next to my half eaten cookout tray. I’m the best.

Today has been the struggle bus ride from hell. Showed up with a half eaten bbq sammich and raccoon eyes from last nights makeup. I want to crawl under my desk and take a 8 hour nap. But instead I shall be going home, changing into something that says I’m ready to fuck some shit up and heading to celebrate my best friends birthday. Then driving home and being at work at 7am. I got this. Round 2 BITCHES!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Turkey Day! Stay classy and full assholes!