I’m not the girl…

I’m not the girl you fall in love with.
I’m the girl that helps you fall in love with yourself. I’ll be there when you’re at your lowest, to help build you up and feed you words of encouragement all along the way.

I’m the girl that will always be your best friend because I know how to put a smile on your face. I will always take care of you, even when the care isn’t wanted.

I’m the girl that’s In love with you, but I’m not the girl you will fall in love with. 
It’s ok. I’m the girl that will take whatever of you I can have.




Lack of D in my life. Vitamin D.

Bye Bye Winter depression. The warm weather is coming and I am more than ready. I have a whole line up of concerts from April till July. Outdoor venues, cold beer and dancing hippies. Doesn’t really matter if I end up going alone, it’s going to be heavenly. Ready to spend every weekend working out in the yard or on the beach, with a fruity drink and a dark tan. These are the things that keep a smile on my face. Vitamin D overload and adventures.

Get ready to put your party pants on and stay classy assholes.

Babygirl, you got this.


Never feel pathetic for the love that you give just because it isn’t returned. You are rare because the harsh world hasn’t ruined your heart yet.  You’ll meet someone one day that will take in all of you and appreciate you for everything that you are.

Keep your head up, your heart full and always stay classy you beautiful, fucking asshole. ❤


‘If you cant handle the heat, get the fuck out the kitchen.

You can only blame yourself. I am the only reason I smile. The only reason I cry. The only reason I become insecure and run away. No one has done this to me; I have done it to myself. You allow these emotions to take over and run your life.  I don’t get upset with people when they lie to me. They are only hurting themselves, why would I take on their pain for their own self-harm? That is why I don’t get jealous, why I don’t lie, and why I run away when I find myself getting overwhelmed with any sort of feelings.

Have you ever found yourself falling for someone you shouldn’t fall for? They didn’t make you; chances are they told you not to. But here you are with one-sided feelings, a full heart and no future. How could you ever be mad at someone for not feeling the same way as you? So what do you do? If you walk away from all of it, you are only punishing the other person for not having control of your own emotions. That isn’t fair. But being in the person’s bed and smelling their wonderful scent and seeing a smile flash across their face is doing nothing but eating you away from the inside. Take a step back. Refocus. Re-find yourself. Let go of those feelings that are just leading you down a path of heartache.

These blog are always a lesson to me. My mind is writing to my heart and trying so hard to make it understand. I’m stubborn with a really big heart. Both a blessing and a curse.

Keep your head up and Stay Classy Assholes.

Twenty-sixes on my 96 Taurus.

Sundayyyyy Fundayyyyyy

The Monday after superbowl Sunday is always the worst. Hangover from hell. I pregamed a little too hard while I was cooking. It’s my signature move. Show up shitfaced with wayyy too much food. But the food is always delicious and normally so am I. Drunk or not, I’m always a good time. I’ve missed my friends. First time getting together with everyone since Thanksgiving. Almost forgot how hilarious this group of people are. Just kind of strange that half of them are walking around with a beer in one hand and a baby in the other these days. I can’t lie, I do have bit of baby fever. My ovaries scream louder than a preteen at a Justin Beiber concert when I see a attractive man holding a tiny baby. Don’t worry I am well aware of what a hot mess I continue to be and that I’ve got a lot more steps to take in life before I could even think about finding another piece of shit to knock me up and constantly remind me what the definition of crazy is. I just need to keep “practicing” for a few more years.

Speaking of practicing, I also had a fantastic weekend sleeping in a comfy bed engulfed in warmness from a beautiful man and a tired beagle. I really appreciate a person that can equally run their mouth as much as I do and also enjoys sleeping as much as I do. I felt like such a creeper though. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and just laying there staring at the back of his big head, listening to him snore. I wanted to wake him up so bad but I knew he had to get up early. Self-control SUCKS. It’s all good, I’m pretty sure Kingdaddy already realizes what a weirdo I am and that I masturbate in his bed as soon as he walks out the door to go hunting.

I really need to work on finding a filter for this mouth.

On the downside of life, I have decided to give up carbs. That means no more beer and french-fries. It is so heartbreaking but I’ve really got to get in better shape. I wanna be one of those elementary hot moms that all the other moms cant stand. Too bad I have to give up yummy beer. Whiskey on the rocks doesn’t sound like a bad trade up tho. Sorry liver, I’m not a nice person.

Hope everyone had a equally awesome weekend. Stay Classy Assholes!


Parking lot breakdown.


I have come to the conclusion that my antidepressants are making me depressed. These emotional breakdowns in the parking lot after work are starting to become a frequent event. Then an hour later when I’m all puffy eyed and my head is throbbing, I wonder why I feel so sad. I don’t have anything to be sad about. Yeah life is a little tough, and my days aren’t always filled with sunshine and rainbows but I should be a stronger than those bad days. But I’m not. Lately I have been feeling defeated. By what? My own emotions. I let too many people control how I feel. I’m working on getting my life back. Just be patient with me.

I’m a hot mess.

Stay Classy Assholes.

That’s funny. I don’t remember buying tickets for a guilt trip.


This is nonsense. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I actually put my foot down and said no. It’s my life and I should be in full control of it. I feel guilty for making people feel anything other than happiness. Years ago I found myself sitting in a ice cold bath, crying and begging God to make it end. I was so hurt and torn down emotionally. When I pulled myself out of that depression, I told myself I would never let anyone I come in contact with ever feel the way I felt. That is why I give everything I have to even the people who don’t deserve it. But there comes a point where I just can’t. What they want from me is something I can’t give them and I have to turn them away. How do you change good nature to protect yourself?  I’m trying.

I’ve learned my lesson. You can’t be nice to everyone. Because they are going to assume you are their girlfriend after a few days and go bat shit crazy when you don’t fuck them or text back fast enough. Glad I curved a crazy before it got too out of hand. My horrible luck in the dating department is starting to make me question if I’m the common denominator of the craziness in all these winners I talk to. I just need to stay away from people, period.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I’ll hop off the pity horse soon enough.

Stay Classy, Assholes.



The trials and tribulations of living alone

After being in a relationship and living with a man for 5 years, I got pretty accustomed to certain things. Mainly; feeling safe, unlimited access to sexy time, and a magical yard that did it’s own maintenance. I’ve lived alone for 3 years now. Yes my kid was present but in this sense of home life she isn’t counted as a asset of security and labor.

Geez that’s a super nice way to refer to my kid.

Anyways, I want to express some of the struggles I have come across over the years that have came to be due to the fact of not having a extra adult body in the house.

I want to light this house on fire and watch it slowly burn. This is what goes through my mind every time something fucks up in my old shitty house. I love my house, but damn if every time it rains there is a new leak, every time the sun comes out it’s time to mow the grass again, every time you run the dishwasher it quits mid cycle and every time you try to rearrange furniture at 3am, something breaks. Ladies, if you wake up every day and never have to worry about the maintenance of your home, other than keeping that shit clean, then I recommended that you wake your man up to a BJ every morning. Keeping your home from falling to shit is hard. I know you can hire someone to do all of this work for you, but im a single mom, I can’t afford that shit. I feel like I am constantly on the roof, under the house, and behind a push mower. It’s a lot to do for just one person, but I get it done, for the most part. Most of the time I make my 7 yr old hold the ladder and the phone and tell her if I fall off the roof call 911 and tell them her dad pushed me.

The fuck was that noise? If I’m the one you’re relying on to figure out what that bang outside the window was, you’re screwed. I’m a big ass pansy. Every time I hear a strange noise I just pull the covers over my head and close my eyes and pray they just take the TV and the bag of Cheetos on the night stand and leave. My kid sleeps in my bed and she has to sleep on the side closest to the door so the boogie man gets to her first. You’re damn right I still check all the closets and under the bed for creepers every day that I get home. I have come to the conclusion that if I ever come face to face with one of them in my home that maybe I can offer them steak and beer in exchange for life. Last night I went out to my car to find my wallet and heard foot steps. I freaked the fuck out, locked myself in my car for 10 minutes and then found enough bravery to run to the house as fast as my thunder thighs would let me. Got in the house, locked the door and went into the bedroom to peek out the windows and look for this scary grizzly man walking around my yard coming to rape me. Turns out the ice melting from my roof and falling to the ground sounds just like the foot steps of a 400 lb rapist. My bad.

Resorting to begging people on facebook to come help me. I try to do everything by myself. But there are just some things that are not physically possible for one person to do. Like move a 200 lb bed from the house to the barn. Believe me, I actually tried doing it, almost broke my toe. I have resorted to asking facebook to help. This way I don’t feel guilty for asking one person. I just kinda put out a SOS and someone just volunteers to help. Normally they are men that secretly hope I will molest them if they come over and do some work for me. They are very disappointed when I hand them a beer and shoo them out the door.

Communicating with my animals. I find myself treating my animals more like roommates than furry little creatures. I come home and ask them how was their day, I share food with my cat so she will stay on the couch with me and watch Netflix, and I lecture my dogs about being lazy shits and needing to get up and do something productive with their lives.

Zippers. I use to have a jack russel that loved zippers. I spent a lot of time trying to train this dog to grab the zipper on the back of my dress and pull it up. Fail. Dog just looked at me like I was crazy and chewed on my dress. Thus resulting in me running across the street, hanging half way out my dress, hoping the neighbor was home to help me out. Oh the luxury of having a 24/7 dress zipper upper.

Sometimes I just crave substance. I’ve had a few friends stay with me for a short period of time. I loved waking up super early and crawling in the bed with them and talking about the crazy ass dream I just had. I crave physical contact (not sexual) and conversation. A warm body beside you to talk about anything and everything with is such a luxury. Being alone makes you appreciate people so much  more.

I think I have adapted very well to this lifestyle. I no longer consider it lonely and boring and feel the need to seek out individuals to fill the void. I appreciate the quiet and have come to realize that being by yourself helps you discover things about yourself and your abilities that you would have never known if you stayed comfortable under someone else’s wing. I get much more respect from being so independent but I have also learned that my hardheaded independence has a tendency to push people away. I have gone from the “omg I wont ever be able to do this myself” mentality to the “move over, I got this” lifestyle. It’s so rewarding. But you know, I always have to find something to bitch and whine about.

I honestly wish we could bring back some attributes of the old days. Mainly bartering. Everyone has their own unique qualities and knowledge that another person could benefit from. With bartering you aren’t using someone, you are doing something in fair trade. Always beneficial to both parties. The relationships between people would be stronger and positive. Unfortunately I grew up in the wrong generation for all of that.


Hope your humpday is everything you wanted it to be.

Stay Classy Assholes.

Faster than a cheetah on crack

It’s like my life is a movie and I am sitting out in the theatre seats, munching on my popcorn and yelling “Jenn, what the fuck are you doing” over and over again at the screen.

So what the fuck are you really doing Jenn?

I have sat around and whined and bitched for the past 3 years about how much I wanted a relationship. I wanted to fall in love again. Part of me still wants to. But why is it that when the opportunity is thrown onto my feet, I run faster than a cheetah on crack.

There’s this guy. He’s super nice, attractive and says all the right things. We’re going to call him Mr. FedEx. He’s constantly wanting to spoil me and spend time with me. I keep shutting him down. He keeps trying. Says he’s going to break through my thick wall I wont let down. Shouldn’t I be head over hills for this guy? I should, but I’m not. I’m actually kinda turned off at the fact that he actually wants to get to know me and possibly have a relationship with me. Can’t you just be a asshole, have sex with me and then disappear like everyone else does? My god. The fuckboys have really fucked me up. Is being a nice, emotionally available guy an unattractive quality? What a typical dumb female, wanting what I cant have, not wanting what I can.

This past weekend it snowed. Mr. FedEx decided to show up and purposely get snowed in at my house. I guess that’s cool, no one likes to be stuck  alone in their house all weekend, oh wait no, I LOVE being stuck all alone in my house for days. He’s always complimenting me and making me laugh. It was nice just to hang out. But here’s the problem, he kind of scared the shit out of me. He’s moving way too fast. I barely know this guy and he’s already asking me to be his girlfriend and go to west Virginia with him to see his mom. Also, he got wayyy too aggressive in the bedroom. And NOT in a good way. I’m sorry but when I say no, that does not mean pin me down and proceed to try to change my mind. For a moment there I didn’t think he would get off of me, no matter how many times I told him NO and to let go of me. He’s a big guy, I wouldn’t been able to make him stop.Then when he finally did he acted like a little bitch and asked me over and over again why I didn’t want to. When the fuck did “because I said NO” no longer be a good enough answer? Huge turn off. Here’s the thing. Why didn’t I want to? Well I can tell you exactly why and it’s lame as shit. Laying there, I realized that this wasn’t the man I wanted in my bed. I wanted my King Daddy.  Geez, first he friend zones my ass and now he’s ruining my sex life. Ok Ok, I know. The only person I can place blame on is myself. I’m the one that got too physically attached to King daddy.

I think I am starting to learn more and more how emotionally unavailable I am. Honestly, even though I’ve been single for 3 years, I haven’t truly been alone. I’ve been obsessed with the journey of finding my next love. But this journey has sucked and put me in too many bad situations. I’m still really hurt and bitter from my past. I don’t understand why I haven’t let go of it either. Just kind of sucks when you thought you met your forever and they end up beating you down to the point of nothingness. I’m broken and a rebound relationship isn’t going to fix it. I really need to take a step away from everything and rediscover myself and my vibrator. Maybe learning to love myself will later on give someone else a opportunity to love me too. Until then, I just need to keep my ass at home and keep my beer cold and my heart colder.

Look guys, I’m still trying to figure out this whole living life to the fullest and adulting lifestyle. Not doing my best but trying my hardest regardless.

Take it easy and as always, stay classy assholes.