I imagine if you were to take a peek inside my mind, it would look like something on the show Hoarders. Chaos. Shit everywhere. Not one organized thought. I’ve got so much on my mind and every time I try to express myself I feel like I am not getting my point through. Typing it out seems to help. So here goes nothing….
I’m fucking tired. I’m in a fog. I could sleep for 3 days and still be tired. I’m falling asleep at work in the middle of phone calls with customer service. I’m not sleeping at night because I lay there and stare at the ceiling wishing, wanting, waiting…. Plus side is I’m not eating that much either cause I’m too tired and I always feel so sick on my stomach. Yay for unhealthy weight loss.
Also work can go choke on a bag of dicks. The bullshit that I have had to deal with all week is above my pay grade. Every time I close my eyes all I see is numberssssss. Save me I’m drowning in patient accounts.
I was brought up being taught that if something was wrong, you stfu and kept it to yourself. I had no voice, the only expression you could really have is the fake smile I had to give my father when he came home from work. My family doesn’t say “I love you” unless some serious shit is going on. I have a problem with confrontation with men due to the fact that I spent a good majority of my time with my head down, arms behind my back, and a bitter man yelling down at me. I tried talking to someone about some things going on between us that was bothering me and the entire time I felt guilt. I felt like I was becoming a burden because I wasn’t happy about something. I felt like It was all my fault. I just want to unapologically express myself but all these insecurities won’t get out of my way.
I’ve got it bad for King Daddy. Yeah you know the man I was supposed to just have fun with and not catch any feelings? Well those little feeling fuckers bit me hard. And I knew it would be like this the first time I sat on my couch and talked to him. Him and his girls feel so much like home to me. I have cried for 8 fucking years about just wanting to be able to feel what it’s like to have a complete family, and they have given me all of that. I feel so full. But….the deeper I find myself falling the more my insecurities start coming out into the light. You know all those ones I have such a problem talking out loud about. I want him, just him. I have wasted so much of my time trying to force myself to talk to other men to avoid getting caught so deep in him. Doesn’t work. Just trying to carry on casual phone conversation makes me feel sick. I haven’t wanted to, or even wanting to think about going to bed with another man. It doesn’t feel right anymore. I’m just his friend. That one word has been like a giant cement wall prohibiting me from communicating any kind of feelings and future. The fact of him hooking up other women didn’t bother me. What really bothered me was the fact that these weren’t just hookups. He was having full on relationships with these women and I felt like they were sitting around like a lost love sick puppy just like me. Which makes me feel like I’m just part of the rotation and Im going to get dropped like a pile of rocks whenever he finds what he really wants. That breaks my fucking heart. Having to distance myself from him and his kids would kill me. I’m in way too deep and it’s fucking scary. But here’s the thing… He’s been married for 10 years did the whole love, baby carriage, heart break, divorce situation. Why would having me in his life other than just a friend even be a thought for him? See here’s comes the guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to be selfish with him. I can’t help it. I want him. The good, the bad, the past, the future, and definitely the beer belly. I want to know how he feels…..
You’ve ruined me in the best kind of way. You’re my best friend. I have never had so much fun with someone in my life. Please stay with me.
It’s one of those “I’m going to spend my break crying in the car” kind of days. It’s like the weight of the world has been tugging me down all day. I feel so insignificant and small. I don’t feel beautiful and I don’t remember the last time that I did. I’m physically, and emotionally tired. I’m too old to feel this unaccomplished. UGH. I don’t feel like adulting today.
Someone told me something the other day that physically made me sick. It’s like their words wrapped around my heart and squeezed it so hard I could barely breathe. These words left me feeling small, insignificant and used. I find it crazy that I let such a thing consume my emotions. I was angry, I was hurt, and then I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care. I care too much and I don’t want to because that my friend is how you get your heart broken. I don’t want to get hurt. I just want to love and be loved. It’s just a phase right?
I think some people just need to take a break from adulthood and go back to their mama’s house and get taught a few things over again. Because honestly, what the fuck is wrong with people. Why do they lack so much common sense.
Can we talk about “staying with a friend for a few days”
First off it’s never “a few days.” If they start talking about having plans with you next week, that means they plan on still living with you next week. “a few days” easily transforms into 2 months.
The boyfriend will always be tagging along. He will also want to eat your food and drink your beer.
Fuck him. Don’t let him have shit.
“If the light bill goes up I’ll throw you some money”
You won’t ever see anything but their shit laying all over your house.
Is that my fucking shirt you’re wearing?
Are they seriously fucking in my house? Just don’t do it, it’s rude and I don’t wanna lay in bed at night listening to that shit.
No you can’t invite friends over to drink a few beers.
Well fuck. I guess I better start paying you rent now cause apparently you think this is your fucking house.
I’m not the girl you fall in love with. I’m the girl that helps you fall in love with yourself. I’ll be there when you’re at your lowest, to help build you up and feed you words of encouragement all along the way.
I’m the girl that will always be your best friend because I know how to put a smile on your face. I will always take care of you, even when the care isn’t wanted.
I’m the girl that’s In love with you, but I’m not the girl you will fall in love with. It’s ok. I’m the girl that will take whatever of you I can have.
Bye Bye Winter depression. The warm weather is coming and I am more than ready. I have a whole line up of concerts from April till July. Outdoor venues, cold beer and dancing hippies. Doesn’t really matter if I end up going alone, it’s going to be heavenly. Ready to spend every weekend working out in the yard or on the beach, with a fruity drink and a dark tan. These are the things that keep a smile on my face. Vitamin D overload and adventures.
Get ready to put your party pants on and stay classy assholes.
Never feel pathetic for the love that you give just because it isn’t returned. You are rare because the harsh world hasn’t ruined your heart yet. You’ll meet someone one day that will take in all of you and appreciate you for everything that you are.
Keep your head up, your heart full and always stay classy you beautiful, fucking asshole. ❤
You can only blame yourself. I am the only reason I smile. The only reason I cry. The only reason I become insecure and run away. No one has done this to me; I have done it to myself. You allow these emotions to take over and run your life. I don’t get upset with people when they lie to me. They are only hurting themselves, why would I take on their pain for their own self-harm? That is why I don’t get jealous, why I don’t lie, and why I run away when I find myself getting overwhelmed with any sort of feelings.
Have you ever found yourself falling for someone you shouldn’t fall for? They didn’t make you; chances are they told you not to. But here you are with one-sided feelings, a full heart and no future. How could you ever be mad at someone for not feeling the same way as you? So what do you do? If you walk away from all of it, you are only punishing the other person for not having control of your own emotions. That isn’t fair. But being in the person’s bed and smelling their wonderful scent and seeing a smile flash across their face is doing nothing but eating you away from the inside. Take a step back. Refocus. Re-find yourself. Let go of those feelings that are just leading you down a path of heartache.
These blog are always a lesson to me. My mind is writing to my heart and trying so hard to make it understand. I’m stubborn with a really big heart. Both a blessing and a curse.
The Monday after superbowl Sunday is always the worst. Hangover from hell. I pregamed a little too hard while I was cooking. It’s my signature move. Show up shitfaced with wayyy too much food. But the food is always delicious and normally so am I. Drunk or not, I’m always a good time. I’ve missed my friends. First time getting together with everyone since Thanksgiving. Almost forgot how hilarious this group of people are. Just kind of strange that half of them are walking around with a beer in one hand and a baby in the other these days. I can’t lie, I do have bit of baby fever. My ovaries scream louder than a preteen at a Justin Beiber concert when I see a attractive man holding a tiny baby. Don’t worry I am well aware of what a hot mess I continue to be and that I’ve got a lot more steps to take in life before I could even think about finding another piece of shit to knock me up and constantly remind me what the definition of crazy is. I just need to keep “practicing” for a few more years.
Speaking of practicing, I also had a fantastic weekend sleeping in a comfy bed engulfed in warmness from a beautiful man and a tired beagle. I really appreciate a person that can equally run their mouth as much as I do and also enjoys sleeping as much as I do. I felt like such a creeper though. I kept waking up in the middle of the night and just laying there staring at the back of his big head, listening to him snore. I wanted to wake him up so bad but I knew he had to get up early. Self-control SUCKS. It’s all good, I’m pretty sure Kingdaddy already realizes what a weirdo I am and that I masturbate in his bed as soon as he walks out the door to go hunting.
I really need to work on finding a filter for this mouth.
On the downside of life, I have decided to give up carbs. That means no more beer and french-fries. It is so heartbreaking but I’ve really got to get in better shape. I wanna be one of those elementary hot moms that all the other moms cant stand. Too bad I have to give up yummy beer. Whiskey on the rocks doesn’t sound like a bad trade up tho. Sorry liver, I’m not a nice person.
Hope everyone had a equally awesome weekend. Stay Classy Assholes!